from throwaway@discuss.online to nostupidquestions@lemmy.world on 01 Sep 09:49
https://discuss.online/post/11197989
I have given up trying to find a girlfriend. Even though, I am outgoing, have hobbies (I dance, which is actually filled with women), go to parties, talk to plenty of women. But I keep hearing the same thing over and over again: “I am just not so into skinny guys.”
I think this is fair from the woman’s perspective. I for one am only motivated to date attractive women. So, them not wanting to settle for less actually makes very good sense to me. There is absolutely no hate or bitterness regarding that. Fuck all that: ‘all women are whores’-noise.
That being said, I think I should just consider myself celibate by virtue of my own standards. But now bitterness is starting to take hold of me. Bitterness about my life and to me as a person. As I said I am very outgoing and don’t want to become the cynical asshole around my friends.
So how do I stop this?
Edit: I go to the gym on a regular basis.
#nostupidquestions
threaded - newest
Therapy. Also focusing on your hobbies and filling your life with joys that don’t focus on a datemate. But definitely therapy.
I wish there were another answer, I’ve wondered similar things myself for many years and therapy is always the solution everyone suggests.
The problem is, where I live therapy is only available to wealthy people. It’s not something I’ll ever have access to :-(
Cognitive behavioral therapy workbooks work almost as well without a therapist as with one. You just have to have the self discipline to actually do it.
Understand its not your fault and you shouldnt blame the world. Everyone goes through this at some point (esp guys) - be it skinny, fat, coloured or not, tall or short. Everyone has their preferences.
Giving up on actively finding a girlfriend is probably the best thing to do in your situation - but not out of spite - some women find an attractiveness in someone who has fun in their own presence. People want to be a part of that joy. Being bitter will only drive away friends and potential relationships.
With that said, do your own thing. If being skinny bothers you (and you alone, not what anyone else thinks), hit the gym and eat more? Try more activites either solo or with friends. Maybe even some extreme sports which a partner would otherwise not join you in. Just enjoy life and someone will come. I know people who found relationships in the most unexpected of times and places.
I understand theres an inch in the intimate department that cant be scratched with just normal friendships but idk, resist tbe urge or find other outputs to bring your urges back down enough so you can just be you and comfortable
And take up beer drinking. You’ll gain 30lbs.
Try alcohol free beer if you like your liver or don’t want cancer
All in your gut
It’s a been a long long time since I was dating, anyone who turns you down and says “sorry you’re too thin” is best avoided to say the least.
In fact I’m having a difficult time believing you keep hearing it, because it’s so rude.
Or it’s clearly just an excuse and there’s something else about OP
Be it my weight, face, or my personality, it actually hardly matters. Bottom line: There is an (innerly or outerly) ugly person who only wants to date attractive people, and by that they cannot get a partner. If that’s too much of a stretch for you, then there is no point explaining.
So you’re mad that people have the same criterias you do?
Did you even read my post? I am bitter about the fact I can’t find a partner, yes. That’s nobody’s fault. I perfectly understand and accept as to why. But yes I can still be bend out of shape about my loneliness.
You’re certainly ripe for the taking for the incel movement I can tell you that…
Wtf is wrong with you? OP is literally walking down the path opposite to incedom. Fuck off troll.
Pointing out their hypocrisy?
You’re a real beacon of positivity, huh? And you clearly didn’t read their post.
It could be an excuse to avoid the real reasons. If OP really wants to know the full story, he could ask one of the women who said this to be 100% honest with him about all the reasons she’s not interested.
That depends a lot on the sort of women he’s approaching. If he’s mostly approaching strangers he probably still won’t get a different real answer - if they’re brushing him off like this there’s a reason and “please be honest” isn’t going to change it.
This might work with an already good friend that he asked out, but that doesn’t seem to be the situation described.
I believe it. My sons are tall and thin. People say things to them that they would never say to a short or heavy person! When they were younger, older women would offer to buy them food in bars, like they were thin because they were too poor to eat.
Eat more good food and lift some weights to gain muscle mass. You don’t have to be one of those giant dudes but a bit of definition goes a long way. It’ll also help prevent you from being frail when you’re older. I’d like to continue opening jars and carrying my own groceries for as long as possible. There are a lot of health benefits, and you don’t even need to go to the gym if you get adjustable weights and a multipurpose bench. I’ve been doing exactly this and I’m up 40 lbs and look better. I’m still a tall lanky dude at 6’3”, but I’m not nearly as skinny (165->205lbs).
I agree with the recommendation for therapy. I can say that it helped me to get in a more positive and constructive mind set.
Other thoughts on your lack of intimacy:
Getting a pet can give some kind of replacement for intimacy with another human being. Sure, it is not the same. But cuddling with a cat can help to feel less lonely.
For intimicy as in “sex”, I think there is nothing wrong with considering sex workers. Unless of course it is illegal in your country…
This is why I feel like the whole “body positivity” movement is a god damn joke. It’s mostly about women who love munching cake more than having unclogged arteries. In the last decade we got so many shows and movies where the characters can be morbidly obese and everybody should praise them for their bravery. We got even plus sized manikins in stores, wow.
But I dare you to name a single character from a show or movie that is skinny (not jacked skinny, but skinny skinny) that isn’t a crackhead junkie, some psycho or a basement dweller with his eyes glued to a screen?
Hell, just name a Hollywood actor that is skinny?
I know one, DJ Qualms, who’s arguably most famous role is a disabled person. Great.
I really don’t blame women for not preferring skinny guys, I blame Hollywood for 3 decades of horrible PR.
OP is asking about not becoming bitter, here you are, spreading nothing but bitterness.
Oh no, that’s like not me at all /s.
That’s a very surface level glance at the movement. Don’t get me wrong, it is about women who “love munching on cake” because those women should be able to do whatever the fuck they want and still be respected and treated with dignity(
I also can’t ignore that it’s an issue for fat women, but not fat men?) . You don’t have to find fat people attractive, hell, you don’t even have to like them, but that doesn’t mean that person should be condemned to a life of solitude and ridicule until their body is good enough for society. Life is too short for that. Even if you’re working towards health, you should still get to experience the world today. However, that’s one piece of of the movement, it is also about stopping the “real women have curves” ideas, and putting body types against each other. It’s about how leading men are showing casually jacked forms like that’s just what the average guy looks like. It’s about men not drinking water before shoots to see their muscles better, even if it leaves them dangerously dehydrated. It’s about men who are ridiculed or turned down for their height alone. It’s about men like OP who think their body type isn’t good enough, it’s about the women OP met who automatically deemed OP’s value by his apperence. If your complaint is that there aren’t enough representations of male body types, that is part of the body positivity movement. These desires are not opposed to each other, but to do one, you have to do the other. You can’t have a message of “All these bodies are great, except those.” It shouldn’t matter how the body got the way it is, or even if the body is healthy. It deserves respect. I don’t chastise and belittle thin people, or even “too thin” people, and go, “you need to eat a sandwich. You need to lift weights. I’m just worry about your health after all. God, just eat more. It’s not hard.” If they’re not friends or family, it’s none of my fucking business.For some reason fat people feeling good and desirable about their bodies seems like the worst fucking thing for whatever reason. We have had people doing all kinds of drugs and harmful practices to stay thin, or avoid that ridicule. Fat shouldn’t be a social death knell. A condition, sure. Not healthy, fine. Not worth being seen or existing? Not fine.
you do know that’s because plus-sized clothing exists too, right? Do you expect stores to just not display their clothes simpy because they’re for fat people, or…?
Victor, from Arcane; Ben Wyatt, from Parks and Recreation; Gareth Keenan, from The Office (UK); Ken Cosgrove from Mad Men. I’m sure there are many more, but that’s just who I could think of off the top of my head.
I absolutely agree that there should be better representation of men’s (and women’s, imo) body types, including skinny men. But you’re really overestimating the quantity and quality of decent representation of fat women in roles that don’t rely on steroetypes. By that, I mean: isn’t unhinged/shrill/creepy/portrayed as gross or undesirable because she’s fat (and sometimes old)/there solely and shallowly as “the funny fat woman”. The majority of roles played by women, especially prominent ones, are still played by thin women.
Fat female characters are relatable and important to have because—whether you like it or not—fat women exist in real life. One simply existing in media does not inherently come with a statement condoning any particular lifestyle as you seem to be implying.
…and? That’s a bad thing to you?
Most people’s body will change as they age. I haven’t met many who don’t age or never get injured or both. Selecting a partner primarily based on their current appearance means you are using criteria suitable only for short term relationships.
TLDR: be happy to be alone, truly and genuinely. then it won’t matter if you find a partner, but you will be able to choose them with a clear mind if you do.
I’m basically a complete flip of you physically but I had the same problem for a loooooooooong time. I’m a tall, strong, heavy woman, and all i kept hearing was “you’re beautiful, I just don’t want someone taller/stronger/heavier than me”. I totally get it, I didn’t want to be taller/stronger/heavier than my partner either. But I’m like Fezzik- “it’s not my fault I’m the biggest and the strongest, I don’t even exercise”. except I did do cardio to try to slim down, I’m just built to survive famine I guess. ¯\(◉‿◉)/¯
What I didn’t understand was the ones who said they just wanted to be friends, because i just wasn’t their type, but would happily be fuck buddies, so long as we kept it hush hush. ಠಗಠ
Anyway, eventually after a bunch of very bad attempts at relationships where I took way more BS than I should have because I was just that hungry for affection, I decided I was just better off being single forever. I couldn’t seem to find a decent person who was attracted to me both physically and intellectually, so I decided to just stop looking. Not just stop looking, stop wanting. I actively wanted to be single for the rest of my life, in large part because I was just tired of the pain of being lonely. Like, “Jesus titty fucking Christ, we’re gonna cry ourselves to sleep because we’re SOOOO sad we’re alone AGAIN?! FFS, JUST STAHP!” So I stopped wanting a partner. I found I had so much more time and energy to do the things I was passionate about when I wasn’t futzing with all that stuff. I became the queen of getting shit done, remodeled my house myself, landscaped my yard, built a garden, went to the gym regularly, did weight lifting till I maxed out all the leg machines at the gym, and got close to maxing some of the upper body ones too. I was happy being single. I WANTED to be single. I craved my free time, the peace i found in solitude was better by orders of magnitude than any of the toxic relationships I’d clung to in the past.
After about two and a half years of that, a long time friend/ acquaintance started coming to me for massage ( I’m a deep tissue massage therapist with a focus on injury recovery and pain relief) and we would just talk throughout the sessions. Politics, philosophy, movies, anime, music, goals, food… Just everything. Eventually, after we’d just spent two more hours talking in the car after the two hours talking in the session, he said “Sooo… you know I’m flirting with you sometimes, right?” I turned him down. I said, more or less, “I’m happy single, I’ve had such a garbage time dating that I can’t pretend I’m not a decent part of the problem. I value our friendship and don’t want to hurt your feelings, and I’m not NOT attracted to you, I just don’t want to date ever again.” He was completely chill, said “no worries, no is no even if you’re attracted to me too. if you ever change your mind, let me know.” And he dropped it, never brought it up again… And fuck if that wasn’t the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. We kept being friends and talking and spending time together, talking about goals and wants and life plans and we found that our wants and goals in life were so in line it was uncanny. Importantly, neither of us wanted to get married, neither of us wanted kids, neither of us wanted to live with a partner ever again… It seemed like I could keep my peace, my space, my autonomy, AND have a partner who cared about my mind and emotions while also finding me wildly attractive. So we talked about what dating would look like and agreed to try it. It’s been 2.5 years so far and I’ve never been happier in a relationship. I still think if we stopped being romantically involved I’d probably prefer to go back to staying single, but I’m happy with him as a partner.
I tell you the whole story, kinda long and rambling as it is, because I don’t think I could have found a happy relationship if I had continued to want one with the same frantic energy as I had previously. I don’t think I would have been a person who could be as open and honest as I was with who I was if I’d still wanted a partner when we started to really get to know each other. I don’t think I was a whole person when I was looking for my “other half” and I don’t know if you can really find a good match if you’re not a whole entire person on your own. If I could distill the idea down to it’s core, I think it would be: be happy to be alone, truly and genuinely. then it won’t matter if you find a partner, but you will be able to choose them with a clear mind if you do.
That was a very moving story. I going to try this. Hell or high water I will try. Not for the possible prospects but for me. Thank you for sharing!
Also:
I like these.
( ๑‾̀◡‾́)σ» then you also may like these
This is the right mindset!
Yay! I’m glad it helped. X) As to the faces, I use Gboard and there’s a ASCII art library in the list of emoji/gif options. It’s quite entertaining. (~￣³￣)~ ⊂(・﹏・⊂) ᕦ(ಠ_ಠ)ᕤ (ノ｀Д´)ノ彡┻━┻
I wish I could upvote this more than once
Well, technically no one is stopping you.
“I just don’t want someone taller/stronger/heavier than me”
I hate this so much. It’s the inverse of women who will only date tall men.
Speaking for myself, I like women. And that means all kinds. It’s so hard for me to imagine seeing a woman who falls outside the “standard” and being turned off by that alone.
I stopped being so upset by it once I started examining social systems and propaganda. If you’ve been conditioned your whole life to think of women as weaker and smaller and someone to be protected to maintain your “manly state”, someone who doesn’t fit that mold is a threat to your subconscious sense of self worth. Same for women who don’t want to date shorter men, “if I’m not the property of someone who’s the biggest and the strongest, I’m worth less to this society.”
‘Society’ thinks men who are smaller than their woman are weak, and that the woman must be defective or she’d be with someone who ‘fits’ better. They’re dead wrong, but that’s the unexamined subconscious judgement that our society has conditioned into people. It’s easy to be less upset with individual people when you realize they just haven’t had the space to examine the abusive systems they’re forced to exist within.
Comments like these are why I love lemmy.
It’s true that the more you want something, the harder it can be to obtain lol
Sometimes you just have to be zen about it and then it can happen naturally.
Cast a wider net. Maybe the place you are in is too small for you. Save up money and travel to inexpensive places. Focus on your happiness, it will be obvious to others and make you more appealing.
Here’s the thing about people…every one of them is different. You could be white, and find a girl who only dates black guys. You could be black, and a girl only dates white guys. You could be fat, skinny, or muscular. And you could run into the girl that doesn’t mesh well with your type.
I once saw a guy with nazi tattoos, and he had a nazi girlffiend. I told them they could go fuck themselves. They laughed it off, but I wasn’t joking.
Point is, if you think of yourself as not getting dates because you’re skinny, find the girls who like the skinny guys. If a nazi can get a date, so can you. You just gotta find the right crowd. I know two girls who likes red headed irishmen with freckles. But I bet somewhere out there is a red headed irishman who thinks theres no girls for him because he has too many freckles. Little does he know he’s a panty dropper with these two specifically.
Find your person!
You build resentment when you act in a way that’s not in full accordance with yourself. Notice the problem and try to do something about it. You can change your behavior or change your mind.
Agreeing with others. Enjoy being alone, enjoy having fun what you want to do, and masturbate. Life has a funny way of working out when you stop giving a fuck and focus on enjoying life.
I agree with the be happy to be alone advice. That part is very important. However, a practical thing you can do, which you probably already know is hitting the gym.
It serves two purposes
The second one is the more important one, but it can’t be attained without the first. You gain immense confidence by seeing yourself in a new light, as somebody that you yourself think is attractive. Going to the gym is also doable for most people, and while it is hard work it’s not difficult.
Ten years ago I started going to the gym. I gained a lot of confidence. I stopped going after a few years, but the fact that I know I can boost my attractiveness and confidence if I put in the work still makes me a happier, more confident person.
I second this (beyond an up vote). It’s a hard thing to start but it does wonders for self esteem and confidence.
I already do, actually. But I was wondering whether or not if I should drop it after this reply. But I think I’ll continue anyway.
You only want to date attractive women. You aren’t attracted to many women. Those ones don’t seem attracted to you.
Does that sound right?
That’s a nonstandard combination, and that’s ok. You might be Ace, but not Aro. An Ace person (or someone elsewhere on the sexuality spectrum) could hold women to a high beauty standard for aesthetic reasons. While still having low requirements for the romantic side (i.e. be willing to compromise to get romance)
Figuring out yourself will then dictate your dating approach. If you are Ace, then finding a beautiful Ace girlfriend is not the same approach as finding a straight one.
All I know is, my desire for sex would (did) easily override some arbitrary beauty requirement. I think most generic straight guys would agree. So if this isn’t happening, it’s worth your time to ask why.
I really wish people would stop commenting that someone has this or that identity when they just want a normal life. Having trouble finding a girlfriend? Maybe you don’t want sex! Like what? Stop normalizing this.
I’ll stop as soon as it IS normalized, so that those people who actually are Ace don’t waste fallout their life wondering why they’re unhappy.
I agree with the others but here is some advice when you are happy being alone.
Don’t let the search for a gf become a large part of your life again. I was on all the dating apps and whatnot thinking I was ready to have a gf and I still think I was. But the search started consuming me i spent an hour or two a day reading profiles and going through pictures to try to find the right one. i would read the bios of girls and think about how perfect we would be together and swipe on them. If a girl swipped on me even if she wasn’t up to my standards I would swipe just because… maybe if I give her a chance… it would work.
After maybe a year of that, numerous dates and spiraling depression I realized what it was doing to me. I found a half way decent dating app and canceled all the other subscriptions. Then I just started trading it as a game, 5/10 minutes here or there throughout the week and that was it. I was in a much better place. Fast forward 3 months and my gf actually swiped on me, fast forward a year and we are expecting our first kid.
Get in the gym guy
In addition to the advice already given, I would suggest you look at mental attractiveness as well as physical attractiveness. Physical attractiveness can be a ton of fun but then when you actually start living with the person if they aren’t mentally attractive/compatible with your personality then they can be really hard to live with. Look for someone genuine and kind and into the same sort of things you are.
Sounds to me like your standard is just too high. How attractive do they have to be that you consider them?
I’m not sure you age but from what I understand, many people between 20-40 have been having issues finding genuine relationships and “situationships” are on the rise. I know several people that claim to be happy having 2-3 half commited partners (whom often also have other partners), but i don’t believe they are that happy, especially compared to a genuine relationship.
As others had said try to just stick to your own personallity and focus on your own happiness, changing yourself or your standards just to get laid often doesn’t work. When i was going through a phase of depression i started seeing a partner whom couldn’t commit to me the way i desired, but i stuck around anyway because it was a nice distraction from my life. A few months later we called it offand there was a fair amount of emotional pain. The relationship was kinda of toxic as well and I’ll probably carry scars from it into my next one. Even just the memories, good or bad, are constant distraction some times. My overall point is don’t commit to it if its not what you genuinely want, good relationships have been on the decline for a while so its not always your fault if you can’t establish one.
Do YOU love yourself for who you are? Do you accept yourself and all your imperfections? Is there anything you are not happy with about yourself that you can change?
This is all that matters. Stop trying to push things and appreciate what you have. If there is something about yourself that you can change, then change it. Otherwise, stop worrying about what others think and learn to love yourself.
When you figure this out and learn this, everything else will follow. How can others love you, if you don’t even love yourself?
Market price set with supply and demand.
If you are getting zero hits, you need to adjust the price. This is game 101.
Or stay single but I don't get that angle but that is a strategy as any other.
I just don’t feel motivated to date people I do not find physically attractive. Even if they do have a very nice or interesting personality, I would rather then just be friends with them. So yes, I think I would in fact rather stay single.
If that’s your motivation then you are going to be very very disappointed when those looks fade and you get bored.
I don’t believe that most women don’t like skinny guys. That’s likely just BS. I have no idea what kind of girls OP is asking out. Maybe he’s asking the super hot biddy girls who only wanna date bros from the jersey shore? No idea. But that just doesn’t seem accurate. Perhaps the girls really have another reason and are trying to come up with an excuse. I have no idea.
OP, if you wanna put on a little muscle mass without getting super into weight lifting, just do pushups/planks/other easy shit every day whenever you have a free minute. Merely doing that will add some muscle definition and make you appear a bit less skinny. You’ll notice some obvious results after a few months. You don’t have to go ham into weight lifting, unless you want to.
Also, you may have a fast metabolism OP. If so, you’ll be fucking happy when you’re older and all of your friends are fat - and you’re still skinny ;-).
Metabolism differences are negligible between people, barring some disease. OP might just be a genetic outlier in terms of being able to put on muscle mass.
You also dont need to be a gymbro to put on muscle mass, 2-3 times a week 30-60 minutes in the gym is all it takes.
youtu.be/cClSiXBNGa8?si=qxyWva8kRn__oTVv
This video is excellent and these exercises can be easily done in 30 minutes and will yield better results than doing random pushups during the day.
See this part of the link here? That’s actually a tracker by Youtube. You can omid that to make the link more privacy friendly like so:
Thanks for the recommendation by the way!
ClearURL extension for Firefox (might also be on Chrome) should remove that automatically when visiting a link. Also Firefox has a “copy without tracking” option as well when right clicking a link.
Edit: also uBlock origin has a filter list to clean links, however I find it doesn’t capture everything that ClearURL does.
Huh? What do you mean metabolism is barely different between people? Some people are fat naturally even with a decent diet and some people are skinny af regardless of what they eat. What do you mean there is no or little difference? There is large variability in metabolism speed between people. I know multiple people who are skinny and do not put on weight regardless of diet. If I’m wrong lemme know but that’s how I see it.
youtube.com/shorts/Se1oaRu0Pbw?si=OEsWwQ223S9g04r…
examine.com/…/does-metabolism-vary-between-two-pe…
So a majority of people are within 3 pieces of Oreos in tems of metabolism difference and the extreme end is 9 piece of difference, but 96 % pf people are within 6 oreos of each other.
Interesting thanks. Appreciate the interesting information. Thanks for taking the time to type that out.
Building on a sibling comment about loving yourself. I only got there in 2019. My world changed when I achieved this. Therapy was how I got there. It took many years. Find a therapist you trust. It might not be the first one. My average (across decades) is one that I trust for every two that I meet (one relocation and one therapist retired, so three total that I trust). I never thought I’d become who I am and I’m eternally grateful for the outcome.
Your comments are only about appearance, and thus shallow. Have you tried shifting focus to people rather than what they appear to be at first glance?
I do not deny it’s shallow. I am absolutely not savoury when it comes to that (though I do need her to also have similar interests). Be that as it may, I just don’t develop any romantic feelings for them otherwise.
Dude… from your interactions in here, i am beginning to not like you either. If i was a woman that you’re talking to, using your outter looks to reject your personality is maybe more gentle than saying you treat people like npcs or that you are annoying.
Yeah, couldn’t agree more. He doesn’t sound like he even likes women, just feels he should own one and probably wants regular sex (on his terms only). I almost feel guilty writing a post trying to help him.
I never, ever said nor implied this. English is not my first language, so maybe I didn’t phrase it all that well. I rarely ever even flirt with women because I’m afraid it will make them uncomfortable. I, as any other person, seek companionship. I know it sounds shallow to put emphasis on looks. But no matter which way I shake it it is an important factor to me. Otherwise it just feels like another friendship to me. I can’t change myself in that regard. And the results speak for themselves. So here I am seeking help to at least not feel bitter about it.
I don’t know what to tell you. I only blame myself for being this way. And every woman I meet has every right to refuse me. I do not deny that. I think my bitterness about my life is unfounded. Because it’s all by virtue of my own choices. I do not want to feel this way. Not to gain favours from women but for myself. For that I ask help. That’s it. Sorry you feel this way.
I wonder though. Two things - one, I think you probably look better than you think, if you dance and go to the gym I’m sure you are already in good shape and not too skinny. You probably look better than you think, it’s normal to see yourself with a hypercritical eye, try to look in the mirror and pretend it’s someone else. And as someone else mentioned, ask for feedback from your friends, who see you more objectively.
Two - what kind of looks, that you think are so far off from yours? I mean, if you are finding plenty of women who meet your standards, maybe this is a misapprehension and you are not as picky as you think, nor as far apart in looks from those you find attractive . If you have impossible standards, that’s certainly something to work on, but maybe you are just thinking about this in a way that makes it feel impossible when it’s not.
It can never hurt to take a step away for awhile and just work on yourself though. Be a person who you like, keep doing the things you love and enjoy them, let go of trying to date for a time, be nice to yourself.
I’m going to take a different approach. It’s not that the general advice on focusing internally is bad. To the contrary, it’s the best advice. But there’s other things to do as well to help mitigate what I call “serial rejection response”.
People tend to think that their attraction standards can’t change. But they do, constantly, for plenty. They change as we age, as our perspective shifts as we gain experiences, or even just by repeated exposure to other standards.
Now, I’m going to venture into some shaky territory here, so be aware that there is disagreement in published information about some of this.
There are multiple things that go into attraction. They one thing that seems universal is symmetry. The more symmetric the face and body are, the more likely people are to find it attractive. It’s a pretty objective standard too, with not much room for interpretation.
However, there’s also signs of health and viability as a possible mate. That’s where you run into the first thing that can shift. We don’t actually have a great ability to read health visually. And there’s subjectiveness inherent in what is and isn’t considered healthy, and that can change easily.
A common example of that is acne. Not everyone views is as sign of bad health, but some do. It’s also something that is more common in teen and young adult stages. When you’re younger, and everyone around you is more prone to acne, you tend to filter it out because it’s so common, we just don’t see it as a flaw in every case. And there’s gradations as to how severe acne is before an individual detects it as a negative rather than the norm.
Body build is obviously the same kind of thing. It’s a subjective, and largely subconscious, “template” that gets built up over time to filter other people into categories of “possible mate” and “nah”. But the very fact that it not only builds over time, but can change later in life as we’re exposed to more variety, means that it’s something that can be adapted to.
Now, you can actually consciously change what you’re attracted to, though it isn’t easy, and takes time. This would expand the pool of attraction to give better chances of mutual attraction.
But, once you realize that the vast majority of people don’t know it can change, and that they’re just drifting along responding to stimuli they don’t even understand, it means you don’t need to worry about it as much. It becomes a matter of patience in finding someone, or shifting closer to the local norm of what is and isn’t attractive (and there is a large degree of it that is very local, down to town size and smaller; you’ll find people at different schools in the same county having different standards as a group).
This helps remove any bitterness because, once the idea is internalized, you know that not only is it not you being unattractive at all (and everyone is attractive in some way, even if it’s very limited), it’s just not the right time and/or place. It’s a crappy hand to be dealt, but not an insurmountable one.
You’d be amazed how just moving to another town can radically change how much attraction you receive. Just changing neighborhoods can do it in decent sized cities or towns.
I promise you, plenty of girls and women like extra skinny guys, the same way plenty like dad bods, massive muscles, trim athletic builds, or chubby to obese bodies. It’s all about where and when you are. You, exactly as you are now, may find that women shift towards your body type as you age. Or you might not, but be aware that it isn’t universal or permanent inherently. A super thin guy in his twenties is running around asking out women roughly in the same age group most of the time, and that could be a grouping that’s locally only into dad bods as a majority. But they get older and change too, so you run into the ones that shift towards your type.
And, obviously, not only will your tastes change over time whether you want it or not, you could start work on finding the attractive qualities in a wider range of women. People think of this, and talk of this, as “lowering standards”, but that’s bullshit. That way of thinking assumes that any given set of standards is right solely because the person using the term thinks their standards are better. And, again, that’s bullshit.
As an example of that, if I dig thicc ladies, but have no luck with them, it isn’t lowering my standards to date someone that’s model skinny, it’s just a different standard. If I didn’t like that kind of body type, I would have to work at seeing the good parts to change the “template” in my head that says attractive or not. I’m lucky in that I’ve never really had a type, but I do have greater or lesser attraction to differ
“I’m not so into skinny guys” sounds like an excuse, if you are getting it a lot I think there is something else going on here, not all women even have a type and some surely like skinny guys, some of the hottest men I’ve been with were so skinny, it can be a very attractive look on a man.
Since you say it’s your own standards, what do you mean? Do you think you are sort of batting out of your league looks-wise? You are already dancing so your body is probably in good shape, is there anything else that makes you think you are not physically attractive? May I ask how old you are?
You are outgoing and social, perhaps try practicing flirting? Like, without trying to take it any further?
Yes, definitely.
My arms and legs are particularly skinny, like Ballerina level skinny.
I am 24 years old
I find flirting difficult. Because I never want to make it obvious and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.
Your last statement stands out to me. Have you considered that it’s the way you interact with whoever you’re interested in? Rather than your looks? Are you nervous, self-conscious, whatever? I’m asking because you keep insisting that your interested in individuals out of your league. That thought would make me nervous. And on the flip side self-consciousness or awkwardness or nervousness or whatever is not very attractive. Socially it’s more acceptable to rejected someone based on looks though.
I honestly have never thought of it in great detail. But where would I be able to get feedback on this?
Any trusted friend who’s been around to witness you meeting new people should be able to tell you.
You’re very young to have decided that a partner will never happen for you.
The very best thing you can do is socialize without expectation of partnership and learn to have fun and enjoy flirting with people without the intention of following through. When you can get with a bunch of friends, laugh and flirt and go home alone and feel good about it, like appreciate the joy inherent in those moments without ruining it by pining for more… you will be doing yourself two favors.
One, you’ll stop feeling like not dating is celibacy - it’s just where you’re at.
Two, you’ll become much more attractive to potential partners, and you’ll find folks won’t care so much about your looks. The vibe will be way different, for real, because of the self-confidence inherent in enjoying your life without needing anything from anyone else.
Bonus - You might find, by flirting with people you have no intention of sleeping with, that your tastes expand. Just don’t tell a woman you’re not following through because she doesn’t meet your physical standards, that will get you in a dating blacklist in no time.
‘I never want to make it obvious’
This is a huge red flag to women, what you’re essentially doing is trying to create a power imbalance where you maintain the safe and defended position of acting not interested while they take all the social risk of putting themselves out there. This gives you a much better position in any conversation or disagreement and it allows you to hold the power of humiliation over their head - a situation no one wants to be in.
The fact you’re targeting women in this way that you feel are more attractive than you exacerbates it because it makes it seem that you don’t really care about them at all and just want to tick the hot gf box.
People often say that women hit on men in happy relationships and this is somewhat true but not because they’re horny homewreckers but because the guy has stopped acting creepy and manipulative towards them and just seem like decent normal people. When you say you don’t flirt what you mean is difficult to tell because you’re obviously targeting these women and talking to them, even asking them out and getting rejected apparently so I don’t know what you’re actually doing but it’s not acting normal, friendly, and like you consider them anything but a target to throw your Pokeball at.
No one, including you, wants to date someone that doesn’t make them feel good and add to their lives in a positive and joyful way - in what world does ‘you’re hotter than me therefore I want you as a possession I can have sex with’ make someone feel any of those things? That’s the vibe they’re getting when you refuse to give them even just flirting, who is going to say ‘oh i met this guy, he’s cold to me and makes me kinda feel awkward I can’t wait to spend more time with him’
Make someone feel good, enjoy spending time with you, and demonstrate that you’re the sort of person worth getting to know better - which by the way includes being open to self change and personal improvement. Let them see that they will be happier in a relationship with you than not being in a relationship with you.
And this means also that you have to find someone that will be happier in a relationship with you, women aren’t interchangeable and they exist on a much more complex scale than ‘hot body = value’ which is where your head seems to be stuck, looks are one of the least important parts of a relationship which is lucky for a skinny ballet arms boy like you… you need someone you can talk to, can laugh with, can feel safe with, can grow and explore with.
And yes if you don’t want that sort of relationship and want a woman that only cares about outward appearance then get jacked and earn a shit load of money, seems like a miserable life to me but I’m in love with a fat woman (who I admit is very attractive) because we understand each other and support each other and enjoy each other in ways I never even knew possible - we bonded over shared interests, fell in love over long and tender conversations, and worked through difficulties by being honest and caring.
What I meant was I don’t make it obvious not because I want to make them feel unloved or something but to prevent making them feel uncomfortable. I talk and treat everyone like we’re just friends (because for the most part we just are). If the woman from her end shows she’s interested in me than I try and go along with it.
But I am here to learn, so could you then please tell me how do you properly flirt with someone then?
This helps. First, I think work on your own self confidence. A dancer’s build is an ideal body type for a whole bunch of people. If you feel like more definition in your arms would help YOU (I don’t think it’s the sticking point looks wise but might help you see your own hotness), do push ups, and weighted squats and lunges will help with the dancing, skinny is the easiest body type to get into shape, such a small adjustment.
On the flirting, yes obvious is good, and funny, remember you are just practicing here and enjoy yourself. Subtle is likely to be missed.
On your actual question, I am older so have been through dry spells and remember feeling frustrated way more than bitter. Build a good life you enjoy, and it may be attractive to others, or perhaps not, but either way you will have a good time. I don’t mean there aren’t external forces, but your own attitude and actions are what you have the most control over.
I sympathize, sorry that you're feeling this way. It sucks to not have someone to be with. I don't know if it'll help much, but I thought I'd share my story too.
I'm 2 years out of an 8 year relationship. I think I'm damaged to say the least, but I was damaged even before then. I struggle to connect with people, and breaking the physical barrier is also really difficult for me. I wish I was better at it, but I'm just kind of an awkward dude. I can be a bit uncomfortable in my own skin sometimes.
I met a girl recently and I thought things were going really well. We had lots of common interests, and the raport between us was really great. I was genuinely excited to get to know her as a person, and to be spending time with someone again. I was hopeful, and happy. It was nice to think that I might have someone I could actually share with again. I don't want to wallow in self-pity or anything, but I'm in my 30's and I'd be lying if I said the general disconnect I usually feel hasn't affected me on some deep level.
We were hanging out one day and things were going well up until I attempted to kiss her. It's such a dumb thing to blunder, but my bad timing, awkward word choices, and even my incorrect physical positioning caused me to rush things and not really give the moment a chance to unfold organically. I don't know why I get like this, it's very ammature and probably the quality I dislike the most about myself. I think maybe I'm just scared to fully allow myself to be vulnerable to people. I don't really think I'm a bad kisser in general, I'm actually great at other physical/intimate things, but I just kind of messed this one up a bit. I allowed myself to be overly nervous/anxious, and I just wasn't at my best. Mistakes happen sometimes. That was all it took though. She went from being pretty engaged with me to generally disinterested just like that. It sucks because It made me feel like her entire decision was based on this one failed interaction. I don't want to sound stuck up or something, but I think I deserve better than that.
I found out there were other factors too though. She was already interested in someone else at the time she was hanging out with me. It feels kind of pathetic to admit it, but I think I just got outcompeted. I know that I should give myself some allowance for the fact that there was nothing that I could do about that aspect, she's entitled to her choices, but she wasn't very forthright with me either. She led me on, and stood me up on plans to hang out. That was really selfish behavior on her part.
I know that girls do this sometimes for fear of hurting guy's feelings, but just don't. Be honest, and transparent with us, it's easier for everyone in the long run. I think I deserved a better chance than what she gave me, and if she was that superficial already then she probably wasn't right for me anyway. It sucks, but that's where I'm at with it right now. I'm not hateful towards her or anything like that, just disappointed really.
I don't know really where I'm going with all this, but just suffice it to say that understanding and learning from relationships is difficult sometimes. I think I'd just say to try not to give up if you can help it, but if you feel like you need to go into self-preservation mode then that's ok too.
Best regards tall skinny internet stranger.
After my last gf it took me 4 years to find someone. I was going through grief on the prospect of being single for a long time. Then when the acceptance hit I rode it like it was the last step on grief. I just do me, meaning I watch movies by myself, eat out by myself, do stuff by myself. Most of my friends are couples so it’s easy to escape a crowd. I had my best vacation by booking 4 days earlier than the group and stay at a hostel and join randoms in their adventure. Sometimes it’s awkward but I didn’t try too hard so when one experience sucks I went to the next one. TLDR: I drown myself with hobbies and things I like to do and didn’t actively look for someone. But when it feels like going for someone then I date.
Consider just going on a date with someone you wouldn’t normally have if you’re in a dry spell. Helps you figure out your preferences in a relationship beyond physical appearance.
What do your woman friends say?
I never asked them to “rate” my looks. If that’s what you mean.
I think they mean to ask for honest feedback, it’s quite possible your lack of success is linked to the mindset you have. Expecting to fail us one of the most common reasons to fail, but knowing that success requires a lot of failure is a much healthier approach.
Have you you tried therapy to work through some of these issues? It’s helped me quite a lot
Oh I see. That’s actually not a bad idea. I’ll try and ask them.
Yeah, that’s what I meant. Ask the women in your life for advice.
Well, it sounds like you’re going after women out if your league because you think they’re attractive and that’s a valid choice. But it is a choice you’re making. It sounds like you could have intimacy if you lowered your standards or increased you attractiveness (gym etc). Or you could abandon dating to not have to face rejections.
So I think the key to avoid bitterness is to reevaluate if the choice you are making still works for you if it brings up bitterness. Then you can either stay with your choice or switch, if you don’t think any other option brings less negative feelings.
And if you choose the best option for you, there’s no need for bitterness.
“celibate by virtue of my own standards” … I was not aware I belonged to a club which viral acronym does not exist yet
I think that might be volcel? as in voluntary celibate?
Well, is not like I can really chose what I “like” (my standards) beyond a certain point, most of mine at least are not a rational decision, I do not feel like I can really force me into tastes…
How about Stancels? We are celibate due to our standards?
“Choosy beggars”.
That seems way easier to fix than “I’m not so into fat fucks.” Just eat more and stop going to the gym.
Thats way harder than eating less? Like one is literally less work and the other is extra work.
You have no idea how much skinny guys hear this haha. I’m sure you mean well by it but at the end of the day you’re making light of what is a struggle for a lot of people.
With that being said, if the financials are there then yeah OP should be building some muscle. I personally needed to be on 3000 calories a day to gain any weight at all. But I swear gaining 20 pounds (8 or 9 kgs) turned my dating life around unbelievably fast.
I used to be very skinny, like 58 kgs at 186. I met my wife when I was 18 and she loves skinny dudes 😂
Regardless, I did feel self conscious about my skininess because I was bullied for it in school. I’ve both accepted myself, but I also gained about 15kg of muscle by doing starting strength. I’m by no means ripped, but I do feel like I carry myself with more confidence and that goes a long way.
Also, my dude, take this from someone in a 20 year relationship… Looks are neat and all, but finding someone you can actually stand, spend a lot of time and plan a life with is a significantly more worthwhile trait to pursue.
Same, I hate muscles and fat on guys. Although that’s difficult to admit openly since a guy saying he is into heroine chic would be a social outcast, so why should it be acceptable if a woman says so. I like skinny guys and my husband is skinny af. I am by no means unattractive either.
My question to OP is - you seem to get rejected because of your looks, yet these beautiful women (by your standards) went out with you in the first place if I read that correctly. So there must have been some attraction in the beginning. At the very least they talked to you. But something along the line happened that made them not want to commit to you.
In general, we find people attractive because we like them. We don’t like them because we find them attractive.
It can very well happen that when you meet someone in your everyday life and get to know them and then happen to fall in love, they absolutely don’t fall into your “scheme” or “type”.
Aim lower.
It sounds shitty but there’s merit. Think of it like an RPG, where you grind on low level fodder until you have enough confidence to land where you really want. Also, you may find that people who you’ve generally considered “unattractive “ in the past are actually really great because they’re genuinely decent people.
Bag a few 2 or 3 girls (by your standards) so you feel confident and good enough about yourself that you’re not in a pit of despair.
I also noticed is that when you really stop trying, that’s when things tend to happen. Like you have to consciously stop trying. People can smell the desperation and effort a mile away. Confidence is sexy because it comes off as effortless.
My guess is, that you keep talking to the wrong women or you try to advance into a relationship too fast
In my experience, both women and men can and often do see past the physical outer and see the personality behind. The appearance is, as you say, the catalyst for initial attraction but if you keep at it, and maybe continue talking with people they should be able to see past their requirement of you not being skinny. If not, they may be using it as an excuse for not really feeling the convection. If they indeed like you as a person but not your body, then you are probably better off without them.
Also remember. No rellationship, is better than being in a bad rellationship. We all need to go through relationship’s to get better at being in one but there is no reason to look for one just to have one. It needs to be with the right person and looks play a pretty small part in this, in the long run
Much of the advice in this thread is either “Do xyz and you’ll have better chances!” or “It’s ok to be unattractive, it doesn’t mean you’re bad! Feel better!”. But that doesn’t answer your question.
It hurts, a lot, to not have intimacy for extended periods. It can burn, it can ache, and it can be a slow, subtle sort of pain. It can give rise to bitterness, as you call out, and to anger, sadness, listlessness, frustration.
Why don’t you want to be bitter? It’s a painful thing that is happening to you. That feeling isn’t wrong, it’s telling you something. If you feel a lot of pain and then suddenly stop feeling pain, that is very bad - it usually means you’re dying or your nerves are damaged. There’s no quick fix or silver bullet that will allow you to hold this like an old stoic, it’s just a lot of work.
There’s three places you can intervene: thoughts, words, and actions.
Thoughts are where this starts. If you don’t have bitter thoughts you won’t have bitter speech or actions. When you have bitter thoughts, just let them be. Don’t spiral - feeling bitter about intimacy isn’t great, but feeling bad about feeling bitter strengthens both, and it feeds itself from there. When you notice yourself spiraling or wallowing, just stop. Find a distraction or will yourself better or whatever, just don’t let it feed itself. Meditation might help if this mental action is difficult. If you can find a positive channel for these emotions (which is quite hard to find), use it!
Speech is the first layer where this can affect others, but it’s significantly lower stakes than actions. Generally, be conscientious. People can’t willingly un-know things so be careful with what you share. Don’t vent unless someone willingly signs up for it (which you can ask friends to do!). Don’t put this out like it’s a problem for someone else to fix or the worst thing that ever happened. It sucks, but it is manageable - you are managing it. When you make mistakes, point and call them. Say out loud “I did/said xyz, that was a mistake because abc, sorry, next time I’ll do/say mno instead.” This helps make a memory for you and others so you actually fix things and opens the door for feedback.
Actions will hopefully only come into this positively. Do the things that make good thoughts and speech easier. Learn to recognize how frustration and anger and bitterness feel in your body so that you can better notice+control them in the moment, and so that you can physically release that tension/sensation. If you feel urges to hurt others or yourself seek therapy.
It sucks. It hurts a lot in ways that many don’t understand or sympathize with. And it is itself a significant barrier to intimacy. I haven’t figured it all out myself, but I hope this helps. Good luck.
Just remember Mario, your princess is in another castle.
You could start doing single activities, depending on where you live. Even if you don’t find someone right for you, you could hang out with people in the same general situation.
How skinny are you? It might. Be your style or your taste in person you’re going after. I was very skinny but didn’t struggle and I mean 120 at 6 foot 1 skinny
Have you tried working out and getting bigger?
I have, I go to gym about three times a week.
Going to the gym won’t make you less skinny. Eating more at a surplus will. Also 1g protein/lb of body weight per day.
I am 6’ 6" and most of my life I’ve been between 145 to 165. So incredibly skinny, always under weight. I never struggled with women as an adult, but I also didn’t chase too many shallow women. When I was young i certainly got told by a few that they weren’t into skinny guys, but it was almost always by people that were incredibly socially controlled people, the type to “keep up with the Joneses” so to speak. Once I stopped chasing after people for the wrong reasons things improved dramatically.
Do you have close friends that are women? I wonder if there is a communication aspect to this if not. Do you date outside your culture? I grew up around mostly white rural Christians and they were more judgy about being skinny than other cultural groups, in my experience. Maybe something about rural people doing a lot more hard labor and it being culturally homogeneous.
You have the stats of one of the most attractive skinny guys I’ve been with. I was also way skinny at that point in my life (5’9" 115lb - I am 150 now at midlife and people seem to see even this as thin somehow, I don’t understand it), which made things a little awkward but I really think very tall and skinny is one of the ideal body types for a man, and you are so tall I think most women would perceive you as ‘bigger than them’ even if you are close in mass.
Also the best lover I ever had was a guy a couple inches shorter than me and whip lean and not even socially ‘normal’. Husband now is my height, strong as fuck and padded, and like OP seems to fear being ‘skinny’, as a lady this is an almost incomprehensible fear, I have feared being fat always but skinny is fine.
Yeah I’m only 10 lbs more than my wife and she is 5’ tall. I was the last in a long line of tall, usually thin, men for her. It’s definitely a type for some.
You’ve got to cast that shit out my man. Bitterness is a poison and will only turn you on yourself or others. I’m not in that situation but you have to look at things as if you haven’t met the right one yet. I won’t tell you to lower your standards but maybe consider trying to find the beauty of a person in a different light. Their intelligence, humor, mannerisms, there’s so many aspects of people to hate and appreciate.
Look at it this way, it’s hard to meet people these days. You go to parties, and find people that go to parties. You get on any dating sites? Chat rooms?
Is your region particularly conservative?
I’ve heard more right-leaning people associate largeness with masculinity. Being in a blue state, I hear a lot of women talk about liking skinny guys.
But then again, the same people who say that can find bigger guys they like too. Sooo size probably isn’t the main factor here.
You need to drink your way to weight gain.
Try 4 meals a day if you can but get some big calorie drinks in you.
Stop looking at the weight in the gym and start looking at the weight on the scales.
But I’m (athletic) skinny and punched out of my weight loads. How? I don’t fucking know. Think girls are just really comfortable around me and for some that works, usually the cute quiet ones. Or sometimes I been blackout drunk and magic happens.
Edit: Just get really drunk and lower your standards. I’ve done that too.