from olivergarden@piefed.social to nostupidquestions@lemmy.world on 09 Sep 00:16
https://piefed.social/post/1242805
Forgive me, I’ve tried polyamory but I don’t quite know what counts as “cheating” when the relationship is opened like this.
So my sister (14) “Liz” went out with “Asher” (16) for like a week. Asher was always very giggly, flirty, and romantic with Liz and would find couple songs and say “That’s us!”. My sister seemed very happy with her new boyfriend.
Asher turned out to have a boyfriend he had been dating for a year before Liz. Liz knew about the boyfriend, but since he said “I’m poly and in an open relationship”, we all assumed the boyfriend was okay with it.
Turns out, he wasn’t okay with it and Asher got into a relationship with Liz before telling “BF”. Then, afterwards, he said “Well I like “BF” first and I like him better than you so I’m breaking up with you.”
Maybe I’m too upset because she’s my sister, but kind of a jerk move there on his end.
#nostupidquestions
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To be perfectly honest, I struggle to take a relationship between a 14 and a 16 year old seriously.
AFAIK, the important thing in polyamory is consent. It looks like the boyfriend didn’t consent, so that seems to be a form of cheating, though it’s possible that it’s an honest mistake - maybe it hasn’t been properly established that they have to tell each other first when they want to date someone new. Though it’s also possible that the relationship wasn’t actually open in the first place, or just not in the way “Asher” said it was.
Bit hard to say who was cheated on without knowing all the facts. Though either way, “Asher” definitely has to figure his shit out before starting to go out with someone.
Absolute jerk move. He lied to your sister saying he was in a open relationship at this point she should have dumb his ass. I hope his BF will get out of this relationship too.
If you tell people you are in an open/poly relationship, but your partner doesn’t know about that, you are not in an open/poly relationship; you are just a lying, cheating asshole.
Real poly relationships have a bad reputation mostly because of people like that.
There are lots of people that have been pressured or coerced into poly relationships too (in regards to the bad rep, I mean). “Polybombing” I think that’s called?
But thats just shitheads being shitheads. Some people will use any avenue available to them. Despite that, and while I am not the type for it, I do love and respect a number of people who are polyamorous and do think the concept is beautiful. That is, in a way that I find unaccessible and ill-suited to my personal needs, but beautiful no less. At least two of those people have even made it work too lol
They’re 14 and 16, they’re literal children. Don’t treat childrens relationships the same was as adult relationships.
They’re adolescents - sexually mature people who are learning how to navigate the world, including romantic relationships. Sure, this is melodramatic teen heartbreak. But it’s real to them, and OP is right to be concerned about the situation so they can talk about it to their sister.
Definitely. Plus, these early romantic relationships are actually really important for learning healthy behaviours and learning to spot unhealthy ones.
It’s crucial that they all learn about consent, and understand that this was not ok.
So? This seems like a great learning experience for OPs sister. It sucks but they are also children
I’m not sure what point you are trying to make.
Trying to work out who cheated on who and who has more right to be offended in a relationship between a 14 and a 16 year old is not worth your time.
If it results in a basis of good values later in life, I’d say it’s definitely worth the time of OP.
However, it’s arguable whether making a post on Lemmy is the right way to get feedback on rights and wrongs, although I’m positively surprised by the comments here being so understanding and constructive.
It’s worth it if they are your sister and you care about them.
asher is a cheater, imho. liz was, sadly, just a side and BF was the main.
So, one possibility is that Asher is a jerk, and never actually was in an open relationship with his bf, or else he and his bf were in an open relationship, but had a boundary that they had to ask the others’ permission before hooking up with other partners (or something similar).
The other possibility is that Asher and his bf had agreed to an open relationship, but had never really discussed the details, and both a had different ideas about what was and wasn’t acceptable.
And yet another possibility is that they had an open relationship, and they’d agreed that what Asher did was totally acceptable - but that when faced with the actual reality come to life, Asher’s bf was not okay with it.
This is why there has been a metric ton of ink spilled in nonmonogamous spaces about - say it with me - good communication. But of course, these are teens. And they likely haven’t had much experience being nonmonogamous. So I’d just chalk this up as being a learning experience for everyone.
Imo, what your sister should take away is that you shouldn’t get too invested in a non-monogamous person without meeting their partners (or at least their friends who are involved in their nonmonogamous circles). Sure, flirt and fool around and have fun - but don’t assume it is anything beyond that until you have actually interacted with the other important people in their lives.
As someone who is nonmonogamous, personally I think everyone should try having an open relationship at some point in their lives. Not because everyone should be nonmonogamous. But because it’s going to dredge up a whole lot of emotional baggage and force you to deal with it, while also making you extremely good at communicating with your partner(s). Having multiple partners is awesome - it is, no doubt, really fucking hot. But at the same time, it is basically like having a second job in terms of work. So anyone going in should be aware of that caveat.
Liz wasn’t cheated on, but definitely got the better end of this deal by no longer being with Asher. She’ll see that in time. Asher cheated on the BF full stop, it’s a good lesson in what liars will do to get what they want at others expenses.
It’s cheating, yes, but it’s also childish behaviour. I tend to guess 30/70 even.
All of them have yet to do some growing up.
They are kids. I wouldn't spend time dissecting. It's a learning experience for your sister