Would you ever call your son a disappointment?
from PixelNomad@sopuli.xyz to nostupidquestions@lemmy.world on 16 Mar 08:01
https://sopuli.xyz/post/42667097
from PixelNomad@sopuli.xyz to nostupidquestions@lemmy.world on 16 Mar 08:01
https://sopuli.xyz/post/42667097
Would you ever straight up say to your son, ‘You are a disappointment’?
#nostupidquestions
threaded - newest
Bruh I’m an Asian son and I’ve been on the receiving end of these words 💀
Edit: To answer the question. No wtf I’m never gonna say these type of things to my children (if I ever have children)
No, unless they became a pedophile, serial killer, rapist or something extreme like that
Or an influencer.
<img alt="" src="https://lemmy.world/pictrs/image/0f61c35e-efa6-4f8b-8f55-bf66ad30dc4d.webp">
depends on what they do. theres 2 types, a rich influencer (the most common as most of them tend to come from upper middle class and beyond) and the “semi not come from money ones”. if they produce greed slop likes of mr beast or become a uninformed political influencer than that would be a disappointment.
Being a pedophile isn’t a choice, it’s a psychological dysfunction. Acting on that impulse is a crime and something to be punished - or treated in a medical facility.
Thank you for saying that. I have worked with MAPs (minor attracted people), and majority of them do not want to offend, and understand they can never act on their desires. They were actively seeking treatment and felt suicidal because of their attraction.
Also I learned that about half (?) of sexual acts on minors aren’t even done by people with pedophilia but because the victims seemed to be vulnerable - so less likely to fight back or tell someone.
I am not sure about the actual numbers, but what you describe absolutely happens, more often than people realize. These fucks go after vulnerable people.
I dont care. If my hypothetical son that will never be born turns into a pedophile and has sex with children, then i will call them a dissapointment.
wouldnt that be the fault of the parent for not monitoring the upbring of thier children.
probably i dunno, i hate kids
I’d like to believe I wouldn’t, but I’m a flawed man, and going crazy with my words is one of my big ones. Hopefully, God willing, I won’t. I have become a much more considerate and softer person thanks to my wife, maybe that’ll be enough.
Fuck no
No, because I don’t want to find out what a true disappointment is
I wouldn’t call any child, as a human, a disappointment, but I believe there are some rare occasions where their actions should be framed as disappointing.
Label the action disappointing, explain the reasoning that led to that conclusion, and explain how it could affect the future for both the parents and the child. Communication is key, and also try to leave some room for the child to grow. The less often you call something disappointing, the more powerful it can be, and can be used as a way to seriously correct behavior.
Yesterday I said to my son “I’m disappointed in you for not catching that fish” (he came so close to catching his target prize fish but it got away).
I felt pretty bad and didn’t mean it one bit, I just said it the wrong way around because i was exhausted. Then I spent the next five minutes explaining that I’m absolutely not disappointed in him and that he is an awesome fisherman and that what i really meant to say was that I was disappointed FOR him that he didn’t catch the fish that he had been trying so hard to catch for months.
I feel like this would be my mindset. Like you’re bummed out or disappointed that a certain action wasn’t successful, but you’re not upset with the person just the event in general.
My kids are still quite young but I’ve already had to catch myself mid-sentence and reword or rethink how I say certain things. It’s hard because at work we’re all cursing like sailors but at home we don’t want anything like that around the kids…to the best of our abilities.
Oh wow that’s a hard one to fix but good job on trying. At the beginning of your comment I was like wtf that’s not his fault!
No. That would imply belief in the kind of free will I don’t think exists.
Yeah if they landed in jail and or did some heinous crime. But knowing me, I’d word it as “you disappointment me” instead. Like this is a moment in time and they can still change
His behavior yes. He lack of behavior yes. Never him.
Only if my son is Mr. Frog.
Variation on the theme: would you ever tell your child “You weren’t worth it.”
OP assuming you are asking for a reason, my view after some time is that when a parent make a statement like that it reflects more about the parent than the child.
Yeah, if he came home sporting a maga hat or a Charlie Kirk t-shirt or something.
I’m raising my kid to be smart and to care about others. So really I’d be disappointed in myself for not being a better teacher.
Reminds me of the epic song…
All I all I all I all I, Want is, Just a little bread. Mama calls me disappointment, Papa calls me fat.
No.
Some people really seem to get something out of hurting other people. My best guess is that its a learned coping mechanism. “I feel bad so im going to make you feel bad and your response might fix whatever i feel bad about”.
The only appropriate response is that whoever said that is a disappointing human.
He don’t say it but I can see it in his eyes.
I wouldn’t no. There’s only afew things he could ever do to justify those words, and even then, what purpose would it serve?
I wouldn’t say that to anybody.
No.
I might, if what they did were severe enough, express that what they did is disappointing. But that’s different from branding them with the iron of disappointment-as-identity. Everyone does stuff sometimes that is worse than they aspire to be. The trick is coming back from it, learning and growing and changing.
I remember how it felt the day I asked my mom, after she had screamed at me and hit me a bunch for stuff she made up about me, “what did I ever do to you to make you hate me this much?”, and she screamed back “YOU WERE BORN!” And I believed she meant it, because none of this was out of character.
I was 12.
No kid should ever feel the hopelessness and abandonment I felt in that moment.
I’m sorry that happened to you.
Thanks. It wasn’t the worst thing she did, but it was particularly crystallizing.
I’ve done a lot of work on healing from it since. I’ve got a kid now, and it’s been healing to live every day in a way that shows that you totally can just love your kid and not have to treat them like that.
Totally. Break the cycle. Proud of you.
No.
I can’t be disappointed when I didn’t have any expectations
Telling anyone they’re a disappointment isn’t helpful. Instead ,ask if they can do X or Y and express why you think its helpful.
No, but I would say something like “I am very dissapointed in you for doing X”. A kid can’t change who they “are”, but they can change what they “do”.
Those are the same things. You are what you do.
If you don’t want to be X, than don’t do X.
Correlation is not causation
we’re talking about people dude. we are not talking about scientific principles.
people claim want to be healthy and then engage in unhealthy behaviors. they are unhealthy. what they do is what defines them, not what they desire to be.
Yes we are talking about people. People can be held accountable for their actions and people can change their ways if they make mistakes. You’re saying that people cannot change. If they bought a tesla, they’re nazis, so fuck them.
I’m not saying any of that. But please keep telling me more about myself. Clearly you know everything…
That’s the point though. I’m not telling you anything about yourself. I’m telling you about what you’re saying. I’m not assuming anything about who you are or aren’t.
No, you are misrepresenting what I’m saying to make it look extreme and stupid. It’s called straw-manning.
You are stupid.
You can choose and change what you do.
You can’t choose or change what you are.
If you get confused about do / be just refer back to those rules and you’ll know which one applies.
This is a key distinction. To make sure they understand it properly, I usually push it even further to “You did a disappointing thing.”
Hell no.
I would send him the following:
<img alt="" src="https://aussie.zone/pictrs/image/1e1178d6-efb4-41aa-b82a-335560847c62.jpeg">
I’d be quick to change my ways if Mr. Incredible said that to me
This is some really heavy parenting. I hope I’d never have to, but if it was warranted it would be very important that it was actionable. I.e., I’m disappointed in you because you’re doing [x] and you need to do [y]. It’s my job as a parent in this situation to communicate why and how to do better.
Yes even though it would be partially my fault if they’re racist, sexist , transphobic, join the military or police and so on, that’s a failure to raise them on my part and choosing to be a worthless being on their part.
I am the disappointing son but I’ll never have children so I don’t have to worry about that
No, like others said I might point out his behavior is disappointing, but never him.
Yes, assuming they have disappointed me.
It’s normal to express your emotions.
It’s normal to express emotions and it’s good to learn to first process them properly and then express them in a healthy way that is not harmful for others.
Yeah, no.
This ‘do no harm’ shit is nothing more than toxic positivity.
Pain is part of life. Learn to deal with it and stop trying to avoid it pathologically. You should feel bad for disappointing people. Nobody is harming you by telling you that you fucked up, the only thing that gets hurt is your ego and your insistence nothing you do is wrong because you do it.
There can be both toxic positivity and toxic negativity. It’s good to be aware you can do damage with words. It greatly depends on the situation and words and nonverbal language used. I also feel like saying you’re disappointed by the son’s concrete behaviour is ok, while saying he’s a disappointment (in his whole) is a heavy caliber - maybe the meaning varies regionally or something?
someone’s entire life can legitimately be a disappointment to themselves, and to others.
and they should be forced to acknowledge that. especially if they want to improve it.
plenty of people are piece of shit their entire lives. look at Rob Reiner’s son who ended up murdering his parents who did nothing but right by him his entire life.
Yep, that can be an extreme case where it could be used. I think it gets used by abusive or just clueless parents more often though.
I agree thats its normal to express your emotions, but there is a difference between telling someone that they have disappointed you and telling someone that they are a disappointment.
Calling someone a disappointment implies that it is something intrinsic about the person, while saying that someone has disappointed you shows that it is something that they have done and isn’t an overarching accusation.
If he turned out to be a cold psychopatic serial killer, I would.
No. Because that’s shitty and dumb.
As a parent, it is your responsibility. So if your kid is disappointing you, it is you who have fucked up.
Do something about it.
I can’t imagine ever saying that.
No
It would have to be very, very bad and it would weigh heavily on my soul if I ever were to speak those words to my children.
I once explored the hypothetical of what would make me abandon the love for one of my kids. I went with something awful: imagine we found out they were a gruesome serial killer in secret. I decided after pondering it that I would continue to love and support them even through that. No one else would, rightfully so. But I think it is my duty even when the rest of humanity has abandoned them.
Writing this I thought of a variation. Instead of a serial killer, what if they murdered my spouse or one of their siblings. I’ll have to ponder that. I’d like to think I’d have the same unconditional love but I’m really not sure. In that case I might have to admit that I’m disappointed in them.
Never. My son is a person I could never have imagined. I don’t see what relevance my expectations of him are to anyone or anything. I’m not sure I ever had any.
Why should I? Our children are not products we purchased or objects we crafted. They are new beings coming into the universe under our care but for a while.
You discharge that responsibility on their behalf. That’s it. Of course that means setting standards for them to meet, but even this discipline you do for their own sake. You don’t get expect them to be anything.
That’s negotiating with fate - about as pointless as negotiating with death.
It’s extremely hard to imagine but yeah there are lines.
if they were hateful. punching down types. maga. racists. yeah, yeah, I would.
My kid is a dream. I was an older Dad, and I worried about dealing with a teenager during my 50s, but he has always been level headed. We never had to deal with drug, alcohol, smoking, no pregnancy scares, nothing. He got great grades, really talented, a school leader without even trying. He could be a little lazy, I used to have to remind him that he couldn’t be a slacker because his peers were watching him.
I was called lesser so kinda the same thing. I never use that word cause it’s reserved for tywin Lannister type of dudes lol
If they were disappointing, maybe. Like I’m not gonna lie and say I’d love my kid even if they turned out to be a racist, sexist, nazi piece of shit. But I mean, I’d also be disappointed in myself for raising such a bastard.
But would they be a disappointment or would you be disappointed in them? Meaning: should they cease to exist, or should their actions cease to exist? Maybe I’m looking at it wrong, but, to me, that’s the difference between “being a disappointment” and “bring disappointing”.
No. “Being a disappointing,” yes. “A disappointment,” no.
The difference is one is a fixable behaviour, and the other is an identity.
I wouldn’t have children because I’m not a selfish psychopath.
I’d be disappointed to find I had one. I’d be a terrible mother and my wife would be even worse!
i would say that’s a terrible parent. glad mine’s not.
If they were a triple Trumper, yes.
But in all seriousness, you’re a disappointment sounds like a line from a movie, real life doesn’t really do dialog like that.
It with great sadness that I report to you, that real life does, in fact, dialog in this exact fashion at times.
What the actual fuck? NO. Kids who are little are little kids, they are all potential, you can be somewhat disappointed in their behavior occasionally but not them. Grown kids are grownups with their own lives, they can disappoint themselves I guess but not me, and if they somehow managed it I still would not say that, they don’t exist to satisfy me, that’s not the point of having kids. Had kids to have a family and to grow some independent adults so they could have lives of their own.
My dad said he was disappointed. I sat him down, looked him in his eyes and said, “Hi, Disappointed. I’m Son!”
It’s difficult to imagine a situation where this would be an appropriate thing to say. We don’t get to choose how we feel but articulating those feelings can be incredibly damaging. I would think carefully about why you think that. Children need love and compassion no matter what, else they may find themselves in the same situation that you are now in.
Maybe they eat your dog?
Absolutely not. No matter what they have done, my love and support is unconditional. They may do things I don’t approve of, but I try to understand what motivates them and forgive them.
Even if they murder your dog in cold blood and eat it?
No. That’s a terrible name!