Americans: How the hell do you meet new people or get into relationships after college?
from Bonje@lemmy.world to nostupidquestions@lemmy.world on 04 Mar 13:47
https://lemmy.world/post/43844324
from Bonje@lemmy.world to nostupidquestions@lemmy.world on 04 Mar 13:47
https://lemmy.world/post/43844324
I cook at home because of restaurant prices and tip culture. Driving everywhere sucks. Everything feels miles away so good luck walking.
#nostupidquestions
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Well, I don’t live in a place like that, so there’s that. Consider moving to a better city for young people for a few years.
I don’t have words for how much of a useless boomer answer this is.
the stakes of moving will never be lower than in your early 20s. one of my regrets is definitely not taking more risks, because worst case scenario I literally would’ve just moved back home without any judgement. obviously that’s not everyone’s situation, but it is the average American in their early 20’s situation.
I don’t think it’s about the stakes and more the money that nobody has to move with
Roommates are still a thing.
How much do you think a room costs with roommates, and how much do you think your job in tourism is going to pay?
I’m currently paying $600 a month with roommates. In a very populated city.
There’s more opportunities in cities compared to rural areas and no matter how you split it, that’s the truth.
Fair enough, I think I agree
kids in their 20s can literally rent a room in a furnished house with a bunch of other 20 year olds. there are jobs in tourism that will give housing and let you experience amazing destinations that our grandparents would’ve had to save their whole lives to be able to see. like yes, it will require grit, compromise, hard work- but the rewards are so much better than sitting around your hometown thinking you have no way to get out. You do! You just have to be willing to try, willing to learn, and willing to fail.
It’s like this comment was written from someone living in a past decade. This world is not present at the moment.
They should get a better job while they’re at it.
There’s more job opportunities in cities, too.
They should get a second job, if they really want it.
Right? These libs will never understand that poor people are poor because they are too lazy to work enough. /s
Cities are better for dating. More people, more third places.
Ya’ll have third places? That don’t charge by the minute?
On any day of the week, there are meetups for board games, dancing, yoga, music, etc.
There are sober “bars”. There are book clubs. There are regular bars and dance clubs. There’s a bunch of churches.
There’s a lot to do and a lot of people to meet when you’re in a city.
The only one I listed that you have to buy something are the regular bars and you only have to buy 1 drink.
Its beautiful, isn’t it?
Totally true. Some cities/places are just not good for meeting people. Some have very insular and closed off social cultures, others are more open.
I’m guessing you don’t want to hear “the bar”.
Hobby groups. For board games, hiking, sports, etc.
You already have a shared interest, makes things easier.
This is how I did it. You just have to find the like minded individuals and put in the time to get to know them. I did it through meetup.com some, word of mouth of events from other friends, and just talking a chance and talking to someone who seemed chill from work. Some of my best friends now.
I hope Mayberry is nice grandpa. This isn’t the world anymore. If it was you wouldn’t be reading this post.
This has been just over the past couple years for me. It absolutely still is the world if you aren’t a jackass
Every comment you made in this post has basically been agism wrapped in a cultural mask. I get you’re mad at your parents but you’re also going to be old someday whether you like it or not.
It’s also just that it’s easier to talk to people while doing things. Chatting over a task/project/activity is kinda just what people do
True! Making friends out of strangers isn’t really all that difficult, but it does take some practice in being a normal human being and talking to people you just run into.
The sense of community in America is really dying out hard as people isolate themselves further in their little islands of homes and apartments and only socially exist online. But it is possible to just chat with some person you meet in the park while going for a walk without being a weirdo, just many people have forgotten how.
There’s a group of guys I meet up with in the warmer months to fish for bass under a bridge. How’d I meet them? I was fishing for trout in a lake and one of em asked if I had any bites. We had a normal chat between fishers, asking about what we’re targeting, what kinda bait and lures we’re using, comparing successes and failures. I peppered in some info about myself, e.g. mentioned a local noodle bar I liked, mentioned my partner, he did the same, we felt we were similar enough, he invited me to join him and his friends and now we meet up every couple of weeks between April and October.
You just gotta talk to people and not make it weird.
Yeah, it’s a difficult and scary skill to learn, and it begins with the much maligned small talk. Small talk is just easy ways to feel out another person so you might become more comfortable with each other. You just practice it with strangers until you’re comfortable doing it in general, and from there you can move to get better at conversing. It really is just a skill people can learn.
Plenty of people here are social. They just are not open to meeting new people, new ideas, let alone people that are different than them.
They want everyone everything to be the same. That’s what is super weird to me, personally. They get super hostile to you once they realize you aren’t like them, even if you are polite and kind.
I’ve had people try to start physical fights with me the past couple of years over differences of opinion or hobbies. That never happened to me ever in my life until recently. It sucks. The hostility is intense in a way that it never was before.
“I’ve had people try to start physical fights with me the past couple of years over differences of opinion or hobbies.” “No woman from a dating app has ever wanted to be my friend unless she was trying to get in my pants and I wasn’t into her.”
Do you think maybe there’s a common denominator here?
I found bars full of people with self abuse issues.
Then the other things seem more useful for you in particular.
As much as everyone hates dating apps, it’s dating apps. Keep an open mind and go on dates looking to just get to know another person. Apps put a large swath of people in your view that otherwise you may not have crossed paths with.
Otherwise, church, bars, hobby meet ups.
you don’t make friends on dating apps. you find dates.
I met my current friend group through dating apps. You gotta keep an open mind when meeting people - you’re there to get to know them as a person. Sometimes that leads to dating, sometimes it’s friendship.
Women tell men they want to be friends as a way to reject them softly. They don’t mean it.
I’ve got plenty of friends who are men. You’re only shooting yourself in the foot to believe these gendered things about women and men.
No, that’s my life experience. No woman from a dating app has ever wanted to be my friend unless she was trying to get in my pants and I wasn’t into her.
You are a woman clearly, you have a lot more social luxury and I bet you 100% all the ‘male friends’ you met on dating apps are secretly hoping one day you will ‘wake up’ and date them.
Men and women can be friends, but not from a dating app where the intention is attraction and sex. I have lots of female friends but I am not attracted to them.
The people you meet on dating apps tend to know other people and you can build a friend group. You know, if you’re likeable and friendly.
I think it’s more telling that no one wants to be friends with you. That shouldn’t be extrapolated to all women don’t want to be friends with men.
You don’t know me and to make such assumptions is only good to further isolate yourself from society.
So manipulate people I meet on dating apps to date their hotter friends?
Now you’re just arguing for dishonestly and manipulation. Nice. So upstanding.
I’m not isolated from society. I just don’t use people on dating apps or treat them like social commodities. The fact you think in such dicthomies is alarming. You’re either socially isolated, or you need to use people.
Where I stand I have honest and healthy relationships. I don’t go around trying to acquire people like Pokemon and I certainly don’t use dating apps for a social life.
You see no value in befriending women if you can’t stick your dick in them?
OP did say “get into relationships.”
the commenter is saying to get on dating apps to make friends.
“How do you meet new people or get into relationships after college?”
I think you’re confused. Neither OP nor the commenter immediately above are limiting their remarks to friends only.
Work and hobbies
This might go without saying but to add to this you need to find a place to meet up with people with those hobbies somehow. I had hobbies but wasn’t meeting anyone since I just did those hobbies alone. You essentially need to find a “3rd place” and hobbies is one way to achieve that. However you can also do things like volunteer and other things to find that 3rd place.
For me, it was always through work. Meeting co-workers after work, and meeting other people that way.
You do need to make an effort, though, instead of excuses.
This really needs to be said more often, I don’t know what’s going on out there but I see this “I can’t make friends” sentiment all over the internet, but out in physical space people aren’t just going to “click” with you, you have to put in effort, use judgement if you’re putting in the right effort for the right company, and you have to decide what you’re setting aside to invest in this goal.
“I don’t have time to do ____” surely applies to a lot of people and situations, but in my time coaching I always had to tell people that you don’t get good at something without making the time to actually work towards it, and making that time is always going to be a you problem. You have to decide if that 2 hours you spend “unwinding” after work is really doing you more good than hanging out somewhere and socializing or even just trying new things. You have to look at your situation critically; how much time are you spending on things you’re just addicted to in some way, but aren’t really helping your life?
I get being tired, we’re all fucking tired. But it doesn’t fix itself, all you can really do is force your body and brain to adapt to new kinds of stimulus and activity, which it will readily, you just can’t have both… you can’t spend all your spare time gaming or scrolling and expect you’re going to also be able to instantly shift gears if someone calls you up to go have dinner or play airsoft or go hiking or something. Not that they will if you spend all your time gaming and waiting.
Yep. I’m exhausted after work, but when I spend some time after work biking I find I’m less exhausted after work once I’ve gotten used to it. Then add social events and yeah, I might need a day of rest regularly, but I also need to get out and do stuff regularly.
Also, learning to flirt is hard and vital. You will make an ass of yourself. Eventually though you get good at it. I’m an awkward dweeb with crap social skills, and yet after learning to flirt and years practicing I’ve managed to find myself making out with strangers on nights out every once in a while. The vital addendum is learning to chat with strangers and have a good time without it going further. Once again, awkward weirdo, but I’ve had so many lovely evenings out chatting with people I may or may not see again. It’s fun and results in a good reputation.
The best advice I’ve gotten and given about flirting, is to not think about flirting, don’t think about the relationship game, don’t think about outcomes or consequences, instead focus on being just a little more bold than you’re normally comfortable with.
Don’t even try it if you’re not already getting more comfortable chatting and hanging out with people. Flirting is just friendliness with confidence. You have to walk before you can run. It also helps to have at least one person you trust enough to tell you where you’re being weird or how you’re coming off to new people.
I think starting flirting not expecting anything but practice is also valuable. I mostly flirt catch and release these days, and I think it’s best to understand that the goal is to learn to have fun with it. Even when married you should be flirtatious with your spouse, so learn to love it.
100% this, you shouldn’t even have expectations, the term “flirting” shouldn’t be in your mental language, you should approach socializing in a different way instead of labeling interactions.
“That person is nice, fun and attractive, I want to say something that will make them feel good, because they deserve it” is a far better approach than “What magic flirt-words can I say that will make them horny for me.”
(People can tell the difference too.)
Idk I find intentionality valuable in flirting, it’s just that my intent is to flirt and if it goes from there well then that’s fun. A sly smile with the compliment, then paying attention to see the tone of her response… it’s a game and it’s in some ways unique compared to telling a stranger I like their outfit (which I also do non flirtatiously).
“What can I say to make them like me” is the far more juvenile framing. It’s one I’ve seen especially beginners fall into. Instead framing flirtation as a (metaphorical) playful whisper of interest. It should be like a scent you wear: light, discretionarily used, inviting, and yourself. You’re not casting a spell to make them like you, you’re simply inviting them to come and see what could happen if they’re interested.
But all that is more the intermediate level. The only real secret is that people like spending time with people with whom they enjoy the time they spend with.
This is so true, and exactly like cologne or perfumes, a lot of people, guys especially, do NOT get it and really overdo it and then wonder why it’s so hard to meet people and date.
What you’re describing is a kind of subtle and nuanced interplay that people explore with each other when they feel good and have minds that are somewhat on the same wavelength.
I think we have a huge problem in the modern world with a lot of guys, particularly neurodivergent, who have a much harder time not approaching social lives and relationships from a mechanistic, procedural perspective and speaking as someone neurodivergent myself, I totally get it, but it takes work to overcome this kind of thinking and “let go” enough to enjoy the process and treat it more like a lazy, flowing river, than a switchboard with dials and levers to pull.
This is why the Andrew Tates and Redpillers and so, so many of their adjacent “movements” caught on like wildfire in a growing population of guys with less social interaction as they spent more time online instead of learning outside with trial and error. The promise of a manual, an instruction book that lays out steps.
And it’s been devastating to our communities, our cultures and our social bonds as a species.
Oh absolutely, and I (also neurodivergent, but adhd and cptsd) totally get that, I just think it’s valuable to be clear what the intermediate and advanced skill levels look like. Because I should be clear here: beginner skill level flirting as you described earlier can do the job when someone is already interested, but much like with many skills, if you’re at the beginner level, sometimes you’re going to see someone doing it at a higher level than you and think that they’ve got this magic skill that makes the results happen. In reality getting better at flirting is 90%+ getting better at regular social skills.
And yeah most people can learn that interplay in some capacity. I’ve known people who can only do it with their fellow neurodivergent people, or their fellow neurotypicals, or both. But you learn it by hanging out in social situations and trying to have a good time chatting with people. You start to learn how to vibe off people and how to tell you’ll be able to. It makes stuff like parties actually fun too. But you also are gonna fuck up, and you ask yourself what you did wrong (“why did it stop being fun to talk to me” is a great question) and you start to get better at not fucking up with practice. Even extroverted neurotypicals go through this, though it’s typically younger, faster, and easier for them. And yeah from there higher skill level flirting is just flourishes and added bits.
It’s hard for those of us who actually want to help because the truth is, it’s long, difficult, and doesn’t make you feel cool. There’s no secret manual, no special magic tricks, no guarantees even. It isn’t a strategy game or an rpg, it’s a roguelite where metaadvancement needs to complement what you rolled (the parts of your appearance and personality you like) and your natural playstyle because you’re trying to get people to like the version of yourself you’re working to become. What’s the ideal build? Becoming the best version of yourself, learning how you best naturally socially interact, and building around it. You find hairstyles that show off your personality and your face, similar for clothes, interests, and topics of conversation. But you also gotta learn to play the game well.
I think negging is a prime example of the distortion that a lot of these pua/redpill/etc influencer types do. Playful teasing is a medium risk medium reward move. You might come off as fun, irreverent, and playful (in which case you need to be prepared for a riparte), but you might hit a sore spot and if you’re not able to do it well you will fuck it up. But these types took that and twisted it into a version meant to make the recipient feel insecure and vulnerable while trying to feel like the innocuous version. Each subsequent iteration of that crowd took ot further until you get the modern guys saying that being an overtly abusive asshole and raging misogynist is how you get girls. And to a man who is increasingly bitter towards women over not dating him it feels right.
There’s also a lot to be said for these guys feeling insecure at the power they perceive people they’re attracted to having over them and lashing out against it (and it’s not just men who do that). But yeah as you say it’s gone disastrously for society.
I agree on this. I just commented on my AvPD, which makes social contacts … complicated (just look in my comment history).
I haven’’t been without a partner since i was 18. Im 46 now, and newly out of a relationship (but we had a good run). I never actually tried to flirt with anyone. The only thing i really did is to listen well, make appropriate compliments and give my input. I don’t even look good, I’ve been a fat fuck since childhood and a nerd on top. I’ve even had to turn down advances a few times.
The hardest message you will ever try to get someone to digest, particularly straight cis men, is that appearances are secondary in dating and relationships.
I have been using examples of how our minds reinterpret visual appearances and how subjective our whole world is for decades, and still most guys who are overexposed to dating forums and men’s communities will absolutely rage at the idea that it’s not their physique or jawline that will make someone attracted to them, but how they make someone else feel.
And right now, people I talk to in younger generations are pretty honest when they tell me that they have no idea how to make someone feel good around them, that the very idea terrifies them, and it varies from abject rejection of the notion to responses that it feels like “manipulation” to make someone comfortable around you… so is it any wonder people are basically giving up all over the world, and new relationships and sexual encounters are basically flatlining everywhere.
This is really key. It’s fun to spend an evening getting to know someone! And if that’s your only goal for a date - you’re probably going to have more of a good time than not.
the problem is people watch social media all day and expect everything to be easy and instant like it is on there.
Or you could live in a less urban area, specifically one where transplants are less common than people who grew up less than 30 min away. People who never left their home town, whose friend group also never left, still have all their friends from school and don’t need or want more. They don’t really want to be your friend even if you do click. You can meet them out dozens of times and have running jokes when you see each other, but they’ll never go out of their way to make or keep plans.
Everyone who moves to my current area says basically the same thing about how difficult it is to make friends here. People much more commonly get their friends hired with them than make friends with new people who get hired, so even that hasn’t been a super fruitful endeavor. Only people I’ve managed to make lasting friends with have also been from elsewhere and struggled.
That’s not to say people aren’t nice and welcoming, they are, they just aren’t welcoming into their social circles.
I’ve been told the same thing from my aunt, which moved into the countryside with her newlywed husband long ago. She only got to get friends after her firstborn got into school - the 8 years until that time were very isolating, even with work contacts.
Yep. my city is like this. it is very dense and urban… but incredibly insular.
the only way to really connect with people is if they don’t have a tight knit friend group. the only friendships I’ve made that have lasted are with people like that… the people who have the knit groups fro years ago just don’t want to bother with anyone new or outside the group. i don’t understand it at all, like people will only socialize with people they went to college with… 5, 10, 20 years later and if you didn’t go to their college they don’t want to be your friend because you can’t sit around and reminisces about getting drunk together 10 years ago.
in my city people are very insular about school, career, company etc. It’s hard to find people who don’t care about that stuff and are more interested in you here and now. Not what you did in the past.
Don’t ask old people.
Yah because young people are absolutely killing it in the field of being social, forming communities, approaching others and starting families and friend groups.
Old people’s replies:
“Just do all the social things at the social places, that will make you friends”
Let me just hop in my time machine back to when those places and opportunities existed….
Username checks out.
What do you enjoy doing that’s not work and not “adulting”?
Find a hobby. Then find a group that shares that hobby. Clean up a park day, maybe.
Or find a charity or nonprofit that needs volunteers.
The local library probably has things going on, too.
Find a third space whether it’s the magic the gsthering shop and shop tournies or church or a knitting circle ran by the local yarn shop.
Museums too. There are a decent number that have “adults night” now.
That’s a great suggestion! They also tend to host specific exhibits and events that give good opportunities to meet people with similar interests.
Plus they’re just fun. One in a small city by me has an exhibit on local glass manufacturing techniques from the previous turn of the century and how some were invented locally, comparing them to ceramic techniques from across the globe and time. Absolutely fascinating stuff.
I met my fiancee on bumble.
Since you’re here I’ll assume you’re a nerd and suggest getting into Magic:the Gathering. You can learn to play on Arena for free and then buy a pre-made commander deck. At that point you can go to local game stores and ask when they have open play nights. The nice thing about magic is that the games take a long time to play so there’re a lot of opportunities to socialize with the people you play with and people nearby. Similarly if you can find an active Killer Queen cabinet around you those people are always desperate for players and it’s super fun
If you’re less of a nerd dance classes are more active and likewise force you to be in an intimate space with someone which will usually force you to socialize. You seem opposed to bars but karaoke crowds tend to be the same week after week, and you have to wait your turn, so it’s another socialization venue
“If you’re less of a nerd”
I don’t know, most people I’ve ever met who like Lindy Hop are huge fucking nerds.
“Hi, my name is…”
Admittedly, most of my friends are made at work, however it’s not impossible to meet people in other places. It really just boils down to going places other people are, smiling, and saying “Hello” or “Cool <whatever you find interesting about them>” to a lot of people. If you’re at a store and see someone struggling to load their car or truck, ask if you can give them a hand.
Probably will go no further than that most of the time, however, it might just make their day. Which they will remember. Might have been the first compliment they’ve gotten in a while. Might have been the first time anyone has offered to help them without asking anything in return.
Ever now and then, though, you’ll find yourself with a new friend with a common interest. Probably just for the moment, but if you see them again, say “hi” again. If you’ve got something you think is cool that they might also find interesting, perhaps show it off.
And remember their name. It can help to work it into the conversation. Seriously, Bonje. People like hearing their own name in friendly contexts.
Relationships are really just a longer term version of this with people you already have met.
If this sounds a bit like sales, you ain’t half wrong. What you are selling is you. The payment you are asking for their time, their attention.
Don’t be pushy. Accept no as an answer. But say “hello” to everyone.
Yep. Meeting people is boring and hard and most people are not going to be interested in interacting with you. But some will. And you will get to know them and maybe you will not be interested in them. That’s fine.
The problem is people take stuff so personally. And also they don’t like the ‘deliberate’ nature of adult relationships, because in college/school you’re basically forced to socialize and befriend people. As an adult, it’s entirely optional.
Play pinball
You’d have to be some sort of wizard to get good at that!
I can only answer this based on what I did.
After college I joined the Army. it is easier to meet people in the Army than it is in college. The army was wild. The days last forever but the weeks go by quick. In the army it is not uncommon to meet someone and by the end of the day they are the best friend you ever had and two weeks later you don’t see them again.
After the Army I settled in a suburban area started working a civilian job and raised my family. I met my best friend as he lived two doors down from us and his two kids were one year younger and one year older than my kid, so we were the two dads watching over the kids in the neighborhood.
From there we started lifting weights together, taking our families to football games and having cookouts together. We also had other families in the neighborhood come and go.
I also made friends through work. I worked in IT so it was a fun job and the people I worked with were great.
The most important thing is proximity.
While I get the sentiment about comradery and connection through the focused goals, intense time investment and hardships that military training gives you… I think I’m going to recommend people find ways to connect that don’t lead to potentially murdering Iranians or getting murdered by drones in the wreckage of Tehran or wherever we decide to “freedom” next.
Lmao don’t join the military
Dating apps. They suck, but there’s a lot you can do (without paying money) to improve your odds.
Go to meetups. They exist for hobbies (board games, running, bird watching) and regions (North Brooklyn hangout). Don’t go cruising but go for the thing and meet people.
Join a rec sport league. There’s a bunch of soccer ones here.
If you live somewhere shitty, you’re going to have a worse time. I live in a big city so there’s a lot of people doing stuff. If I lived out in the sticks, there might be a dozen people of my desired age and gender(s) total.
Uh oh, the people who don’t want to hear that moving to a city is better for dating arent going to be happy with your answer hahaha
Well, they can be unhappy about it but that doesn’t change how you’ll have more chances of meeting a partner where there’s more people doing more stuff.
Exactly. They’ve tried nothing and they’re out of ideas.
Remember out in the sticks there is only a few people - but they have less options and so they are more likely to discover you. Have lunch at the local cafe and the waitress will try to set you up with the one single person in town. In a city that won't happen. Of course if that one single person is worth your time isn't something I can answer, but your odds of getting a first date are higher anyway.
I’m don’t think “you’ll settle for whoever’s around” is a compelling argument.
Furthermore, there are few places where it’s actually like a rom-com and the waitress sets you up. There can’t be a lot of people in that situation because then there wouldn’t be so few people that they can be matched up. Most people live in cities or suburban wastelands.
"you'll settle for whoever's around" is a compelling argument - if whoever is around happens to be good enough. Sometimes she is (I'm assuming she for discussion) good enough and so it doesn't matter. Also we have established living in the sticks is important (otherwise move to the city), and so you need to settle for someone who is willing to live in the sticks - that someone is likely already living in the sticks. Beware, I know more than one person who was burned on a relationship where she (in the cases I personally know it was she, but no reason it couldn't be he) was excited to move to the sticks - until she discovered how far it was to everything she liked about the city and the relationship wasn't worth that cost to her.
There are few places where the waitress sets you up. However that is more likely to happen in a rural area: everyone knows everyone, and they "want" to help each other. In cities everyone knows you also know people they don't and so they are somewhat less likely to do this (it still happens)
Bit of a tautology there. My point is if there’s only 1 person of your age/gender(s) then it’s longer odds they’re going to be a good match. Sure, they might be “good enough” but wouldn’t you rather have “great”?
If you get too picky you will never find anyone. Loneliness can be worse than setteling for good enough. There is of course too bad, and this is all personal, but there are too many different things to look at to demand perfection in more than a couple places. Which things you demand is up to you of cousre.
Sure, being too picky can lead to loneliness. But that’s kind of off topic from “you’ll have more rolls of the dice in a place with more people”, which was my earlier argument.
I wouldn’t want to settle for someone with no shared interests and a not-my-type body just because they’re here. Everyone involved deserves better.
<img alt="image" src="https://media.piefed.social/posts/gT/ki/gTkiR0lVR24DA1R.png">
Work and shared hobbies. I recently went to buy some hardwood from a work colleague. We don’t even work the same shift but they’re fond of asking what I’m building or showing me what they’re building because who else are they going to talk to about their hobby (I imagine).
We’re not friends, but there’s this hobby. I get there and it’s not a mere business transaction nor do we talk work. It almost had a kid feel to it. Like when you crossed the hedge to the yard of the kid next door and he welcomes you because it’s more fun if you can show off and share your toys. Only as adults. Kudos on reclaiming a small piece of that.
Adulthood is such a roadblock sometimes.
Being an adult is hard, in so many different ways.
I miss kindergarten.
I love being an adult. It’s amazing.
I absolutely hated Kindergarten. Being subjected to the whims of clueless adults is miserable.
Sounds exactly like adult life with a job when you phrase it that way.
as an adult you can choose a job where you don’t have to do that. I have one boss and he’s competent.
That is not a choice that everyone can make.
yeah it is. nobody is forcing you to work a crappy job you don’t like, other than yourself.
lots of people choose that life, and pretend like they don’t have any other choice. and settle into a life of bitterness and anger and usually a toxic coping mechanism that deprives them of what little disposable income they do have. like alcohol, gambling, or similar.
if you want to improve your life you have to give up the coping mechanisms, save your money, and invest in yourself. but that is hard and most would rather daydream about a big magic pile of money falling from the sky.
Many people live in towns with fewer than five companies, with poor internet access. Many people have to keep odd schedules because of family care obligations. Many people are functionally illiterate. Many people have criminal convictions. There are a lot of things that can limit your ability to leave a job you already have.
Many people do accept work conditions worse than they have to, but not every worker is flexible enough to choose their work.
Then they have to move. They have to learn to read. They have to change their circumstances. Nobody is going to change it for them.
I grew up in a small crappy town. I decided from a young age I would leave my community. It sucked. I hated my life there. It was a great motivation to get out, succeed, and never come back. I watched several of my friends make difference choices and move home even if they left and never leave and repeat the same miserable lives their parents lead.
It’s a choice. You can make excuses for yourself your entire life, or you can make choices to change your life.
I felt trapped too when I was in that town. But I knew nobody was ever going to save me. but I could save myself, so that’s what I did. And yes, i got punished by parents, my friends, by my former teachers, for being ‘arrogant’ and ‘a douchebag’ for wanting to improve my life and not settle for their miserable existences.
I’m glad for you. It sounds like you were smart or skilled enough to be presented with opportunities to leave and had the foresight to take them and the dedication to fully benefit from them. Not everyone is or has those qualities and that’s not a moral failing.
You overcame difficult circumstances, but that’s due to you being an exception, and whether that’s because of qualities inherent to you or luck is impossible to determine. The idea of it being luck is scary, but that doesn’t mean that everyone who doesn’t behave exactly as you did is to blame for their circumstances.
Surely you know people from your hometown who earnestly tried, but were just too dumb to really keep up in school or with complicated conversations among friends. Do you think they would be able to achieve what you have? What about the smart kids with severe ADHD who were flaky due to no fault of their own? If so, what use is your intelligence or dedication?
I was not gifted with anything dude. I made choices. I didn’t party, I studied. I didn’t do drugs, I did clubs to pad my resume. I ignored all the shitty advice and pressure from my family and friends to be a losers like they were. I endured physical and verbal abuse for years because of my choices. But I never gave up. After college I focused on paying down by debts, getting into graduate school and working. I didn’t spend years screwing around trying to ‘find myself’ buy going into massive debt traveling and partying, like so many of my peers did.
No, I knew lots of people who are miserable assholes who blame everyone else for their shitty choices. Just like my parents did, just like their parents did. Nobody forced them to drive drunk, to work shitty jobs, to fail out of school. They chose that. Once I got out of school I never went back to that shitty town and my parents died anyways so I never had to.
Everyone is smart and capable. Everyone has opportunities. Some people decide to piss them away and mock and deride people who made better choices. Nobody is dumb or flaky, they are just lazy and unwilling to put in the work. Sounds like you are talking about yourself? Blaming your ‘bad luck’ and using that as an excuse to never improve your life?
The thing you are missing is that rich people get bailed out of their shitty choices. They aren’t lucky, they are just rich. They can fuck up school, go into massive debt, and they get bailed out by their parents. Poor people don’t get bailed out, so you have to be on the straight and narrow. I know lots of people like me, often they were immigrant kids who did the same thing because they also knew their only way out was working their asses off and they had no luxury to party or be lazy or relax. If you are poor and you choose to make bad choices, nobody is going to save you. Life isn’t fair, but the only person who is in charge of your life is yourself.
Go achieve your desires. Nobody is stopping you but yourself. if you want to sit around and whine about how ADHD ruined your life… then that is going to be your life… forever. Just sitting around whining and blaming and being bitter and jealous other people made better choices than you did.
Swing and a miss. I decided to leave my home country because it’s broken, so after a decade of working and saving my own money, I did what I want to do. I went to a state school that gave me a full ride instead of a private school that I’d have to take loans out for, so I didn’t have any student loans holding me back and I could go back to school and get a masters in my new country. I actually just started teaching full time after training for the last couple of years.
I just have the empathy (and vicarious experience) to understand that not everyone is as fortunate as I am. It took a lot of hard work and diligence, but also a lot of luck. I wouldn’t assume that anyone who isn’t able to immigrate to a new country and begin teaching other new immigrants the language is lazy, likely to settle, or a failure. It’s difficult and like everything worthwhile in life, requires some luck to meet a lot of preparation at the right moment.
And lots of people don’t choose to do that. They choose to sit around and be miserable and blame other people for their failures and their lack of effort. Sorry, I don’t regard it as empathy to sit around feeling bad for people who messed up their own lives by making bad choices and then refusing to correct them. Everyone makes mistakes, but you can define yourself by them, or learn from them and make an effort.
I think you are missing my point entirely. I am condemning people who don’t make any effort, or who give up. I have nothing against people who say, never leave their home town because they love it. What I am attaching is people who never leave their hometown and are consumed by bitterness towards others because they are so unhappy there and then complain they ‘had no choice’. They always had a choice, they just refuse to make it because they are afraid of failure, and/or they refused to take responsibility for themselves and their bad choices.
What you seem to think is that these people had any agency. People have agency. They just refuse to acknowledge it, and their agency is to sit around being unhappy and day-dreaming rather than making changes to their lives. Nobody forced my friends from my hometown to do drugs, to get in trouble with the police, etc. But if you listen to them… it was never their fault. They HAD to do drugs, the police were MEAN to them for arresting them for drunk driving… that person they crashed into while drunk was an ASSHOLE. And if you don’t agree with them then you are a JERK. Oh and by the way can they borrow some money? They will totally pay you back! (If you ever ask for the money back you are SELFISH ASSHOLE).
Lemmy is full of losers who just think life should hand them things, and in their own heads they are successful geniuses who deserve to be billionaires… No idea why you want to have empathy for such shitty people who think that way.
Yes, lots of people let life pass them by. I’m in full agreement with that, but a lot of people do not have the flexibility to do much about their situations. It’s not a lack of agency, it’s a lack of freedom and safety to make changes.
I understand your point to be this: everyone could have had a good life if they had correctly applied themselves and gone after what they wanted, so people who haven’t meaningfully changed their circumstances and are unhappy with their lives are themselves to blame. My point is this: many people could enjoy their lives more if they took control of their own choices, but not everyone can. Sometimes people just get dealt a shitty hand.
Have I misunderstood your point?
Tbf, neither is a happy childhood
Yeah, it’s luck all the way down.
If you genuinely believe this (i personally think you’re trolling), then you need to take a step back, look at your situation, and recognize how privileged you are.
A significant amount of problems in the world would be helped by The Privileged recognizing that their life is not representative of the lives of everyone else.
Nothing is more privileged than expecting other people to improve your life for you. That’s actually the philosophy of most wealthy people, that everyone else should do shit for them, while they sit around and jerk themselves off about how great they are.
The irony of this whole discourse is that basically you think everyone should have the privileges of the wealthy, but you also think the wealthy shouldn’t have the privileges they do. And you don’t see the contradiction.
I wasn’t wealthy. I worked my ass off. I’ve also seen people with way more money than me piss their lives away. Most of the most bitter losers I have ever known had trust funds.
What you don’t understand is that the difference isn’t money, or privilege. It’s attitude. You want to shit on some hardworking aspring immigrant kid as a privileged twat for achieving their goals, and stupidly assume that the drugged party person somehow should have the same success in life, because nobody is responsible for themselves.
Or maybe worse, you see people who worked their way out of the working-class drudgery into a secure middle-class or upper-class existence as ‘traitors’. Yeah, my entire family and friend thought I was a traitor too when I was growing up, because I wanted something better than living in a rural backwater place.
lol I’m not reading this novel.
There are millions of people who work shitty factory jobs so we can order our trinkets off Amazon and i care much more about them and their problems than privileged idiots.
Those people are the ones thay deserve life improvements, not the “grindset” “alpha males” that make the “bootstraps” talking points.
And there are millions of immigrants working in farm labor under much worse conditions for musch worse pay, do you feel worse for them?
From their POV the shitty factor job would be a huge upgrade.
And for those factory works, being an Amazon picker would be a huge upgrade.
Your issue is that labor exists, it sounds like.
Yes, obviously? What a dumb fucking question.
???
Yeah, I’m done here. lmao
ok, good luck living in your magical land food magically appears out of the ether!
yeah but cookies and juicy boxes.
who is stopping you from going to the store and buying cookies and juice boxes?
I buy that all the time! I love it.
At least in Kindergarten I didn’t know they were clueless. Now I’m an adult subjected to their whims and know they’re unstoppable idiots.
Naps, cookies, juice boxes, why did we ever stop that?
I just woke up from a nap, and now I’m eating cookies. Don’t have any juice boxes on hand tho; a can of cola will have to do.
Sounds like you need a bicycle. Not only do you increase range but you can also meet other bike people.
most people who ride bikes aren’t ‘bike people’.
anymore than most people who drive cars, are ‘car people’.
and the vast majority of people who ride bikes want nothing to do with ‘bike people’ because they are weird and obnoxious.
Oh jeez, by bike people I meant others that ride a bike. Not necessarily doing nude bike rides or critical mass
That being said bike people are certainly a certain type of odd, and if you’re looking for women, we’re definitely a minority of people really into bicycles. Like, I love bikes, if you’re interested in them look for bike groups and see if there’s a bike repair coop nearby, 10/10 hobby, especially if you’re looking for left wing people who aren’t super self destructive.
I have been actively involved in the bike community in my city. There is about 1 woman for every 100 dudes, and she’s already dating another bike guy who is way more into bikes than you. It is an insane sex ratio. Also a lot of the bike people have nothing else going other than bikes and it’s just straight up weird. Like they work with bikes all day, then go on 6 hour bike rides, and spend any free time looking at pictures of bikes on social media.
The only ‘bike’ thing I know that has a good balance of men to women is triathlons. And that’s a sport people mostly come to from running or swimming, which also have much better gender ratios. In my city ‘run clubs’ have become dating hot spots.
Yeah, though in my experience the bike girl with a bike guy boyfriend is the one problematically into bikes in their relationship. Like, he’s had to put his foot down about no more new bikes.
Like as a woman into bikes, I really wish there were more of us and I know a lot of women who casually are interested, but I think especially with how hard-core into bikes a lot of people in the scene are scares people off. That and a lot of women who don’t have mechanical skills are uncomfortable trying for fear of breaking something or facing judgement.
In the city I used to live in a lot of the bike women I met got into it after burning out of some form of anarchist activism, and they tended to be some of the more balanced people in the bike scene that I knew.
So yeah, more casual group bike rides that encourage newer people and work to make women feel comfortable would be awesome for the hobby. And getting a second hobby would be awesome for a lot of people in the hobby.
I gave up on bike people. There is just way too much bullshit involved in cycling communities, and way too many people who are bitter that other people ride different kinds of bikes than they do. Way too many of them would rather bitch about other cyclists than actually just ride their bikes and be happy.
I used to teach people how to fix bikes but I quit after it went from a fun thing to be being lectured about how ‘problematic’ I was for having a penis and that what we ‘really need’ is woman-identifying person to teach women. Because all men are inherently evil or something.
Bikes are suppose to be fun. Not a proxy for people’s identity and political issues. But sadly that is what people prefer, to create their little tribes and be an asshole to anyone who isn’t part of their tribe.
guys with ginger dreadlocks.
You all realize people commute on bikes all over the world that aren’t bike messengers, hipsters, or obsessive “bike people” right? A bike is a vehicle, not a flag.
also guys with no sense of humor who are easily triggered.
OP said he’s in car centric america, in my experience those are the only people who regularly ride bicycles.
If you ride the trails at night and follow the potent smell of skunk you will find either:
A. a skunk B. Some dudes named Jellyfish and Willy, parked a bit off the trail smoking a J on a park bench talking about metaphysics and fried food.
I don’t. Been single for almost 10 years now. Tried online dating for 8 of those 10 years with absolutely no luck. Made things worse by renting a garage “apartment” so I could live closer to my job which is way out in old rich people land…
So I just gave up and accepted that I’ll be single living in someone else’s garage/basement until I decide I’ve had enough and walk deep into the woods somewhere to “flip the off switch” as it were.
Get a hobby, go to events, find social circles, and drink at the sort of bars you can chat with strangers at.
I met my wife at a dungeon, but I know that’s not to most people’s tastes.
Hey, I’ve also made long term friends from underground raves/sex dungeons. It’s a totally valid way to make friends. Like so many other methods, you already have a shared interest, that’s a springboard to explore if you’re otherwise compatible as buddies.
I spent a good few hours every day on a dating site, making sure to really read through profiles and think of something interesting and engaging to talk about. I might’ve just been lucky, but I got a good amount of responses despite my less-than-ideal looks. Found one girl I clicked with, and 9 years later she’s now my wife.
You talk to them.
It’s that simple. But you have to do it. They aren’t going to talk to you. Especially if you are a single male.
The house next door is empty and up for sale. I happened to see a real estate agent and a couple in the driveway, and she waved to me, in a sort of inviting way, so I went over and helped her pitch the house a little, telling them that the previous people were really great, kept up the house nice, did lots of upgrades, the street is really friendly and meets at the neighborhood pool every morning, etc.
The wife asked if there were any musicians, and I raised my hand. She asked what instrument, I said guitar, and she pointed to her husband, and said “So does he.” I said " Please buy this house!"
Yesterday, I heard the house is in escrow, and we’ll have new neighbors soon. I hope it’s the guitarist, I would love a guitar buddy, I literally have NOBODY to play with.
This. I miss being in a band. Did this in high school and college. We played local clubs and bars. It was fun.
But as an adult, who can find 3other people willing to play at all, or even commit to a 1 hour get together to practice… Performing is probably never going to happen again.
I don’t even need a whole band. I have a bunch of recording gear, so I’m always laying out a drum track, doing a rhythm guitar track offer that, then the bass line, then I usually go back and for a different rhythm track with the new bass line, then start soloing over that.
So if I can find a buddy, we can lay down the drum, bass, and rhythm guitar track all at once, then start trading solos over that. Or maybe just acoustic duets. We’ll figure it out.
I really only meet people through work.
And most all of my rare social events are with friends I’ve had for 30 years.
I met my wife online fifteen years ago. No idea how folks do it these days.
Thank you for sharing.
I guess my takeaway from the rest of the comments could be that so many people have no problem making friends. The world is full of places to meet people, and social situations arranged for that. And it’s all affordable. Guess I just live in the wrong region since this is apparently a non-problem for so many people.
Guess all these lonely single young people are to blame for their own problems. That must be it. /s
Hobbies. I got into ham radio for this very reason. It’s also adjacent to my job (IT), and it’s one of the quintessential “hobby hobbies” like stamp collecting and model trains.
But doesn’t ham radio introduce you to people halfway across the planet?
It mostly introduces you to old men with a wide array of beliefs in conspiracies
That’s not Lemmy?
The government is coming for our BEANS
And locally if you join a club. If there aren’t enough hams for a club there may be at least one you could seek out as an Elmer.
Coed recreational sports team. Lots of them are mostly social with a little bit of sports tossed in. And almost all of them are looking for more players.
Bouldering is the goat sport for this. Lots of little downtime in between routes which leaves room for talking. But you also always have something to talk about and compliment etc.
Become a regular at the third space of your choice. Like minded people that attend the same things repeatedly tend to click.
Volunteer. Audition for community theater. Get a job. Join a hiking group. Take an adult learning class. Download a dating app. Get yourself out there.
it’s a good way to meet new people. i do many of those things. none of them are good for meeting young single women.
where i live young single women are entirely focused on hanging out in bars, restaurants, and traveling. They don’t do hobbies or volunteering. the women who do that stuff are usually older or married or lesbian.
Traveling - notoriously not a hobby.
You have to consider: Do you actually want to meet a young woman who hangs out in bars, restaurants and airports? Spend all night talking about her Gucci bag from Dubai or some shit?
If those are the options you have, I’d choose the old married lesbian any day.
No, you simple be alone and be happy pursuing your life rather than trying being with someone who looks down on you for not caring about Gucci bags and doing having a happy and socially positive life that isn’t about crass materialism.
I was responding to OP asking about friends and relationships, so not just “young single women.” But I did also say try a dating app. Singles is pretty much all those are for.
Obviously no one can give you town-specific suggestions but are bars and restaurants the only things women do you where you live? I’d be very surprised if that’s true.
This guy does not hold women in very high esteem. I doubt he knows much at all about what women actually do and enjoy.
I didn’t say it above but I completely agree. He sounds about half an inch from using the word “females” at some point.
I met my eventual spouse an art gallery opening. Amazing how certain settings filter out the detritus of society.
every art person i ever dated was a rich douchebag that hated people for not being rich and spent most of our dates whining about how they weren’t rich enough.
Public art museum, not a private gallery that sells shitty art.
Yeah, that’s exactly where I met them. They go to both.
meetups, conventions, conferences, concerts, bars, hobbies, etc. It might be easier for me because I live in a very populous region, but I’ve found it pretty easy to meet people. 90%+ of those people don’t end up becoming long term friends, but that’s just how it is.
Also, the easiest way to start a conversation is to ask a question. “Hey what’s that?” “What are you doing?” It takes time to get a good feel for whether or not someone is actually looking for a conversation based on their response, but it is a skill anyone can learn and there’s generally no harm in short chats with strangers in public spaces.
Church
Best answer I’ve ever had for this was ‘find something to support.’ It can be anything. Just find a space where you have people trying to do something for the benefit of others with some bare minimum cost of entry. The group coming from people trying to help others will bias it toward nicer people. The cost of entry, even something small like $5/mo or physically present volunteering, deters anonymous trolling.
The other good option is classes. Doing things to improve your skills in something is generally worthwhile anyway, but it also puts you in contact with other people who share an interest.
Always gonna plug disc sports when threads like this pop up. Ultimate Frisbee is fun and if you live in even a minor city there’s usually a rec league to join. Has the best culture of any sport IMO, full of the chilliest most accepting people who are always looking for more people to join and with rec leagues people will sometimes go out to the bar after to hang out.
Disc golf is also great for meeting people if you’re not as into cardio. Can join tournaments and they’ll usually pair you up with people. Or just go solo to the course and occasionally someone else will offer to let you join their round or if you’re waiting with another solo at a hole you can offer to let them join you.
Both are also very cheap activities, Frisbee you just need cleats and to pay ~$50 for a rec league season. Disc golf is basically free once you get discs.
yeah but not everyone likes sports or the cultures around them.
when i was younger i did some frisbee but i wasn’t down with the alcoholism associated with it. i liked drinking, but i didn’t want to go out to a bar and get shitfaced after every event.
This is my problem with meeting people, only I don’t like to drink (or smoke for that matter). The smell drives me insane so I don’t even like being around people who do it unless I’m getting paid for it.
Yeah it makes it difficult. I used to smoke and honestly it was much easier to meet people that way. Also binge drinking. Everyone is your friend when you have had 12 drinks in a single night.
It’s much easier to socialize when you engage in negative behaviors.
You don’t need to get shitfaced at a bar. 1 drink per hour is under the legal limit for driving. I find it’s enough to loosen up and if you politely decline further drinks nobody will bother you. And if they’re pushy order a sprite with a twist on the rocks. So it looks like you’re drinking alcohol but really you’re staying sober
Yeah, you do. If you want to be part of the group. Otherwise you are ‘weird’ and they don’t like you.
That’s why I left. I was sick of being told I was ‘weird’ for not being a low grade alcoholic. Or the ‘you are no fun’ ‘why are you so uptight’ etc.
You act like all people are reasonable and respectful and wonderful. They often aren’t. A lot of people cannot respect someone who doesn’t drink, or who doesn’t get drunk. I drink, but I don’t get drunk. People who like to get drunk don’t like people who like being sober, because they are different than them and they see that as a threat.
It doesn’t even have to be about alcohol. Another reason I hated these groups is the gossip and drama. I don’t like talking shit about other people behind their back, and that is happened almost every time after a game or practice. Other people think that is fun and it’s the point of socializing for them to gossip and cause drama.
I suppose thats the point of recommendations, they aren’t telling you you have to get into sports.
You simply don’t—you die alone.
Enjoy. 👌
Don’t give him hope. You can alone for years, decades even while death laughs and refuses to do it’s damn job.
“Sorry, you’re too lonely to take. I’ll getcha the moment you find a modicum of happiness with another human being, I promise. I got you boo!”
Yeah all these people with their silly ideas. On these types of threads the top comment always says “hobbies.” Who has hobbies as a working adult? You work eight hours a day at the minimum and spend another two hours commuting. Weekends give you time to do your laundry and scramble to get everything else done. Who has time for hobbies?
Lots of people do. Do you not? Would you like help brainstorming some? Even small, individual hobbies, for when you have no energy or motivation, are highly valuable for a person’s mental landscape.
Imagine finding the perfect partner, getting married, moving in together etc.
Now that you’re married and that’s all settled, where do the two of you go for fun? Where do the two of you go to get out of the house?
Go there.
Shit fuck i don’t go anywhere with my wife. I’m gonna suck at dating
That’s when people stop going outside and having friends. are you nuts
Upon closer reading, I think the key was imagining what you’d do with a future partner. No one imagines how much nothing they’re really gonna do nowhere
Sell the car. Move into a tiny 3br apartment with roommates in a walkable city.
Date your roommate’s friends. They’ll date yours.
Change roommates occasionally.
Meet people: hobby or spiritual community are the two big ones most people meet a partner at. Look up cheap hobbies in particular something like a walking club.
Cheap places to take a girl:
fish around in conversations for her favorite food. Pick the prettiest spot within walking distance. Pick somewhere out of the way but visible to passerby like the edge of a park. Check the calendar for favorable weather. Bring a blanket, that favorite food, and anything needed to make the environment comfy like an umbrella.
if it’s just not the time of year for favorable weather book a library or community center presentation room and in addition to food fish around in convos for a favorite movie. Still bring a large blanket and push the tables and wheely chairs out of the way.
Any partner who finds effort over cash undesirable is just not a good fit for your life right now.
Coming off as TOO effortful will also count against you. Normal people don’t go all out for someone they just met or are just starting to meet.
These are good second date ideas. Might want to keep it simple at first.
The internet and being willing to move cross country
good question, it’s not been going well for me
Fuck if I know. I volunteer. I joined a community choir. I am mildly social at the coffee shop. There’s a local bar/restaurant with picnic table seating and the culture is you can talk with anyone you are seated by as long as you’re civil. People still go to churches. There’s PTAs and stuff for your kids. Just a few ideas.
Meeting people is the easy part. Do this at:
Work Hobbies and Organised Activities Church or other Spiritual Communities Online, both locally and long-distance.
Though after meeting people, phase two is the most difficult: actually convincing people to hang out and do stuff.
Then phase three is actually creating and maintaining the friendship, lol.
These all become exponentially harder if you need complete ideological purity from your friends and romantic partners.
If you are looking for ideological purity, step zero is therapy.
Don’t bother. Most people suck anyway.
Shared hobbies are your best bet. Either find a way to make your existing hobbies social, or get a new hobby you can do with people.
You can also try events at your local bars or meeting people at work, but both of those have serious drawbacks.
And if you are looking for people to date, the vast majority of options you have these days are online. You can try hooking up with strangers at a bar or meeting someone while engaging in a social activity, but statistically a tiny percentage of couple meet that way these days.
Find local polyamorous meet ups. They’re usually down for new “members”. You’ll have a new friend group for a while with the opportunity to bang several people. And usually there are any number of breakups so you can be a shoulder to cry on, etc. Seems like a lot in retrospect.
Username checks out.
Desperate time calls desperate measure.
I’ve been wondering that too. There are always co-workers but none I really connect to. Lots of parents but now that kids are grown there’s nothing in common.
Now I’ve really gotten into cooking but my kids are in college and I have no one to cook for. I have a smoker that can ditn30+ pounds of meat or 6 racks of ribs. Who’s hungry?
Hobbies. I struggled with this after college also because I left the church and my old social life had dried up. I was conditioned to just show up and my friends would be there and the nonreligious outside world doesn’t always work that way.
I would join a club or a group, preferably one with an even gender split or even a skew towards whoever you’re interested in dating. I found dancing in 2006. I never would have expected to get into it and probably spent most of the 90s calling it “gay”. I was tricked into going by a friend who said we were going bowling. I trusted her and she drove, so I had no escape. Many dances are “social” dances which means anyone can ask anyone to dance and you aren’t expected to bring a partner, most people don’t. I kept doing it and eventually started going without my friends. 20 years later, I have been in charge of running dances, I’ve been on the committee of large events, I’ve made some money teaching lessons, but most importantly of all, I’ve collected a circle of awesome supportive people, some acquaintances, some friends, and a handful that I’ve dated. Don’t go in with the intention of dating though because it counter intuitively guarantees you won’t find a date. Instead, just have fun. Ask the people who aren’t getting asked to dance, make friends, enjoy the music, etc. People notice when someone is capable of having fun on their own and they want to be a part of that. They appreciate someone who will dance with the sweet little old lady who shows up every week and not just the 10/10 blonde with the double D’s. My goal was always to dance with every woman in the room once, then go back for seconds with the people I most enjoyed dancing with. It can cost a few bucks to get in, but almost all of them will let you in free if you volunteer for a half hour to collect admissions or help set up/ tear down. It’s harder for guys (if you dance the lead role) to get started, but don’t be discouraged because we’re outnumbered and always in demand.
Biking is another good activity to meet people. You can join a club in many cities for a few bucks and they’ll basically send upcoming rides to your inbox all year round. If you’re not exercise inclined, there are also PEV (personal electric vehicle) rides in many cities that give you all of the fun and exploration with only a fraction of the workout.
Other good ideas: Frisbee golf league, ultimate Frisbee, hot springing (hot spring hippies are cool and very welcoming), poetry slams, board game parlours (these seem to be popping up everywhere) etc.
Hobbies. Groups. Bars/clubs. Anything that fosters community. Find somewhere that cultivates a shared interest and engage with others, they aren’t necessarily going to come to you