from IAmNorRealTakeYourMeds@lemmy.world to nostupidquestions@lemmy.ca on 10 Jul 02:48
https://lemmy.world/post/49253070
Been suicidal most of my life, and without a doubt, my life would have been better if I jumped off my window when I was a teen like I wanted.
It always gets worse, always, and I’m so tired.
I’m almost 40 and I think 40 years of pain is enough. I’ve seen what life can provide and I rather not suffer any more.
Don’t worry, i have no plans, because I cannot die.
when my ex beat me, no matter how hard, I never bruised, so absolutely no one believed me, and the police just said they would arrest me if I touched her. When I try cutting myself to cope, no matter how sharp the blade it barely cuts my skin. the last time I got a bruise was a small bruise on my face when I feel down the stairs a whole floor and my face broke my fall, it went away after a day or two.
And I’ve had 5 suicide attempts, some were encouraged by my ex. and I barely got any side effects.
Took a whole box of antidepressants, only effect was not being able to mastubate for a couple days.
dranks a whole bottle of wine in one shot and took a box of blood pressure medication, and i didn’t even get durnk. no matter how much I drink I cannot get drunk. I tried developing a drinking problem to cope, but no matter how much I drink I dont get drunk.
I take 1000mg of thc gummies just because it helps me sleep, I don’t even get high, it just helps me sleep and skip a few hours of the horrors.
Tried shrooms, all the way to twice a hero dose, way beyond ego death, and I just got some light visual artifacts in the corner of my eye, but no high, no nothing, just a waste of shrooms for like 50 people.
In a week of exceptional depression I didn’t eat or drink, decided to continue until I collapsed and died, one week, zero symptoms, feelt just normal, no thirst, hunger, no dehydration, and not even weight loss. I made the mistake of changing my mind and eat again, not sure if it changed anything as I doubt I would have died. People die without food or water, not me apparently.
Might be a fucking superhero, except the only think I do is suffer and I cannot escape.
Why can’t I die??? why??? why am I forced to suffer in pain every fucking day.
The only times something good happens is only so it can be taken away and hurt me more.
The only good thing in the last couple of years was that for the first time in my life I’ve made a group of firends I love and adore. and they actually love me too, I feel a bit human when I’m with them, and now I have to say goodbye. Live gave me a loving support group just to say SIKE. A found family, just so I can lose them. It was a trap and I feel for it.
And if any of you suggests any services, I’m undocumented, cant access non of them. because of course, it’s my life and there’s no escape from the suffering.
If you read this far. do not take your life for granted,. enjoy your ups and downs, I only get downs.
#nostupidquestions
threaded - newest
looks like there are stupid questions.
no idea where to post that, I’m not in a right mind and this is a stupid question, just a serious one.
Not a stupid question at all!
DM me your discord or Telegram + your timezone, we can have a call if you’d like :)
In my experience when you are miserable the thing that tends to happen will be the thing that was already going to make you feel the worse. So for you that would be to maintain the same trajectory right? I don’t get to die either, probably not until I’ve lost a little bit more.
The few interactions I’ve had with you didn’t suck though, IAmNorRealTakeYourMeds. I’d say that makes you one of the reasons why existing in a given space doesn’t suck. So I hope something in life can at least show up good for you. You know, like in a way that you don’t have to immediately be aware of when it will end and things will go back to the usual.
I agree, they seem like a constant good egg from what I’ve seen and interacted with. I can’t say that about everyone here.
I’m sorry to hear you’re in so much pain right now. It sounds like the possibility of losing your found family may have triggered the immense hopelessness you’re feeling now. What’s going on? Those people are very important to you, so it’s understandable that threats to those relationships would hijack your mood. If you’re in an urban Canadian setting there may be local community services that are open to people without provincial health insurance. Please be kind to yourself right now
I’m in the US, been fighting for 2 years to get a greencard because I don’t want to loose my daughters, my ex has been denying custody for months, the family courts are slow and racist, and my family cannot support me anymore as I’m not allowed to work here, despite how much I’ve been trying to find work.
and on top of that, I would have to go back to Israel, and am a massive antizionist, been protesting it for years, I would be a Pariah in there.
Well, let me lead off by saying that I support the right to death. We all have a fundamental right to die, if we so choose.
With that said, you asked as question here, and it deserves an answer.
Truth is that you don’t want to die. You want to stop suffering. There is a vast difference between the two, and it’s almost always going to show up when a person is trying to escape suffering through death. It has for you. That’s why you can’t die. A big part of you doesn’t want to and is actively resisting your attempts.
I’m not going to give you empty platitudes. No but.
You’re in a shitty place, and I hope that changes for you.